When my mom died by suicide, it was the worst thing to happen to me in a lot of ways. Obviously, it hurt and I lost a parent, and all the things that go along with it. One of the other really painful things I lost was my spark and my sense of purpose.

I was going into suicide prevention as a career. I made my decision when I was involved in a horrible car accident the night before Thanksgiving 2011 that I could have died from. I sat around thinking about what I wanted to do with my life. In a way it was strange because it always felt like deep down I knew I would always revisit suicide prevention, even in indirect ways. I realized, kind of begrudgingly, that that was the reason.

Everything seemed to be going fine in September 2013. I was in my last semester of my undergrad, and my mom seemed to be doing okay. She was on mental health meds and seeing a therapist. What she did shocked us, and I remember talking to one of my mentors about it a few weeks afterwards. I thought everything I had been working towards was over, my spark had gone out. I told him there was no way I could ever work in suicide prevention; I just wasn’t good enough.

I will never forget how he looked me directly in the eye and calmly said, “No. It’s not done yet. You still have it in you and you’ll come back to it. I can tell what your passion is. You’ll always come back to this because it’s where your heart is. I’ll give it a year max before you’re back in and fighting again.”

He was right. It wasn’t even a full year later when news broke about Robin Williams’s death. Before any details were leaked, I just knew it was suicide. While watching each detail got leaked and the ruthless media frenzy, a fire lit within me. My spark was back, and, maybe more importantly, was back. This was who I was inside, someone who is passionate about helping others and wanting them to have futures. I re-realized that despite how devastating the deaths of Robin Williams, my mom, and everyone else who dies by suicide is, there are so many of us who still want to help and make a difference for everyone else.

Suicide is such an important cause to me. As I even said in my first ever post on this blog, I will always come back to it. Sometimes that happens with your spark. Sometimes the spark dies down so another bigger one starts and your whole life is filled with light. And sometimes, your spark was like mine, slowly growing brighter in the corner until you realize it was there all along. Just try not to force it, because once it comes, it will definitely change your life forever in the best ways possible.


Comments

8
  • Pat King

    Beautiful.

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    • You Matter

      We’re glad you’re enjoyed this post! Thanks for reading.

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    • Liliane

      Liliane Liliane

      Reply Author

      Thank you Doris for your kind words and sharing the story of your loss. It is alwyas encouraging to hear of other parents who have gone through a tragedy such as this and still maintain a life of sorts. You are brave and should be proud of what you have accomplished. When my 4 year old twins allow, I will take more time to read through your sites. Until then JASON FOREVER FOREVER JASON

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  • Barbara Zajicek

    My son took his life in December 14.
    , 2013. Jacob was 24 years old. He was my purpose in life. With the loss of my son I lost my future as well. It has been 2 years now and I find that I have pulled myself out of the pit of despair. I too became suicidal after Jacob s death. I don’t have a defined purpose as you do but I do know that helping others, helps me to heal. Every day I try to shiw love and kindness to others.
    I do have this burning in n my heart. If we as a society would show unconditional love to addicts instead of judgment and disdain they just might find their lives more tolerable to live. My son struggled with addiction and every turn he encountered judgment, ridicule and disdain by family and friends. I truly believe if he was shown unconditional love by all he just might still be here. I dont know what to do with this. I ghost have written a couple articles and posted them on Facebook but I dont receivevmany comments. I still feel very strong about this. I am working with local kids that struggle with addiction and putting my hearts desire into action. Love the sinner hate the sin. I know one thing for certain my son knew beyond a shadow of doubt that I loved him. For that I am truly grateful

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    • Teresa

      Teresa Teresa

      Reply Author

      Barbara, Mother of Jacob , I have recently posted things about Suicide Prevention on Facebook and don’t receive many comments as well, but it is at least still out there and that is what counts. In my son’s state, I read that for people ages 19-25, suicide as the second cause of death. My friends needed to know that. So when I talk to them on the phone, I tell them those stats and hearing it come from my mouth, I think, says so much more than reading it on a computer. I will keep you in your prayers. Hugs, Teresa, Mother of Alexander

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  • Teresa

    Teresa Teresa

    Reply Author

    I lost my son, Alexander (20) to suicide on November 30, 2015. The pain is still raw and the emotions are a roller coaster. He was my only child, so I instantly felt that my life has no purpose. I began to read books on losing a child and got back into searching the Bible for answers. It seemed that the daily lessons were tailored to what I was going through that day. I wanted Alex’s life to be a lesson for others and started looking into Suicide Prevention. This feeling is the worst for a parent to endure–as parents we should not have to bury our children. I don’t want another family to go through what Alex’s family is going through right now.

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  • mother of depressed son

    I am seeking help for my son he is 24 and he is extremely depressed . many things happened in his life like his father left us we moved a lot, changing schools where he ended up having no friends, loss his loved grandmother ( who he helped to take care for 5 years after her strokes) he has a very kind heart,. After high school he ended up sitting at home having just one friend who is also very depressed and has many problems. I have tryed all possible ways , getting him a job, trying to get him to colledge, taking him to psihoetrist and psichologist but he refuse help he says he has no purpose to live that he is alone and ugly. he is tall very handsome guy but i cant change his mind . He has been taken to the hospital 3 times for suiside attempt but nothing has been done there. They kept him for 5 days and let him out. He refuse to take medications he does not want to get any help. he thinks his life is over and it is too late for him to do anything. Please help me to save my son.

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    • You Matter

      Thank you for reaching out to us and caring about your son. Feel free to call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) yourself so that you can find out what resources are available in your area. Your call is routed to the Lifeline center closest to your area code. The local crisis center may have resources such as counseling or in-patient treatment centers that your member can take advantage of. Most importantly, please encourage your son to call us at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

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