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Today marks the second year anniversary of the day that my mother made the choice to end her life. Two years ago my life changed forever, and it honestly feels like it was both forever ago and just yesterday.

I’ve always heard the first year is the hardest. It’s not. You feel an unbearable silence inside yourself because you’re so empty and numb. This second year was so much worse. I have had outbursts of rage and sadness; I have spent nights crying so hard because losing my mom was so painful that it literally felt like my heart was trying to rip itself out of my body to escape all that I felt in that moment.

It wasn’t an easy two years. I finished my last semester of undergrad, had a few dead-end jobs; had financial struggles; had personal struggles; lost a lot of friends; had good days and bad days. I distinctly remember the Finn tribute episode of Glee and how I crumbled on the floor while watching it because it just hurt so bad.

And it changed me. I walked around feeling like my heart was in my stomach and my stomach was in my feet, but my head was off somewhere in the sky. I would be out and feel like I was a different species, because that’s how I was looked at. Everywhere I went, I felt like I was being judged, like everyone knew Oh, that’s the girl whose mom hung herself.

Finally I hit a breaking point. What happened to my family and me was awful, but it does not define us or me. We are not stereotypes and stigmas; we are survivors who went through an awful tragedy and are still standing on the other side, fighting to keep going and help others despite our own pain.

I know that on the 29th I won’t wake up and “everything will be better.” I’m not expecting it to be. There is no magical grief fairy that will come to me that night and take the pain, sadness, and anger that I feel away. I know that this is still early on in a life without my mother and in my own grief journey. Yes, my mother died in a terrible way that I know will always hurt me to some level. However, what I have learned is that this is part of my story, and I want to use my story to help others, to help people not end up like me or my mom. And honestly, I think my mom would be proud of me for doing this.


Comments

65
  • Roshan

    Roshan Roshan

    Reply Author

    Your story encourages me thank you for the to post your story.

    Posted on

    • Thelonelyone

      Its been 18 years since I found my mom hanging In our bathroom in OK. I was 4 years old, around 4 o-clock in the morning I’ll never be able to get the picture out of my head I’m 22 now and it never gets easier, I don’t blame, just the constant wonder how she felt, the intense courage and feirce battle that she got consumed by, it must have been very frightening for her, I’m sorry and share some of that pain it’s what makes me strong in this world, mabey one day will be reunited in the heaven’s

      Posted on

      • You Matter

        No matter what problems you are struggling with just remember your life matters! In order to talk to a Crisis Counselor, please call the Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). The call is free and confidential; we’re here for you 24/7/365.

        Posted on

      • CORy

        CORy CORy

        Reply Author

        I was also 4 years old in Oklahoma when my mother hung herself in 1997 and my father the same in 2008 i am now 23 and still feel the emptiness i go through depression fazes every now and then it feels like everyone in my life besides my brother doesnt understand the way it impacts you

        Posted on

        • You Matter

          CORy, Thank you for your reply. We are very sorry for the loss of your mom and dad. Sounds like you have had to endure a lot and we want you to know that we are here for you any time you need to talk. Please call us at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

          Posted on

  • l

    l l

    Reply Author

    Thank you for posting this.

    Posted on

  • jillian a

    Thank you for sharing, and I am sorry for your loss. 10 years ago my grandpa died by suicide and one of my best friends died 2 years ago the same way.

    It never gets easier, but reading other people who share that experience only helps.

    Posted on

  • Riana

    Riana Riana

    Reply Author

    My mom committed suicide when I was 13. it has now been 20 years. Not a day goes by that I don’t run though it all in my mind. Stay strong Hun. It’s not easy and it will never be something that you get over. It’s a process and you will do grief rollercoasters forever. But remember the times when she was happy, the love you shared together and the dreams you know she had for you. Thank you for sharing your story and if you need suicide survivor buddy I would be happy to be there for you anytime.

    Posted on

    • You Matter

      Hello Riana,thank you for reaching out to us here at The Lifeline, our crisis counselors hare here for you any time day or night, every day of the year at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Don’t hesitate to call us! If you are more comfortable chatting online please use the private link below to chat with a Lifeline counselor. We want to help you. Your life matters! http://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/FBchatterms.aspx

      Posted on

  • Zach

    Zach Zach

    Reply Author

    It’s been just over a week.
    I’m not sure what I’m doing or how I’m supposed to feel. I still don’t really feel anything. I want to cry sometimes but nothing happens. I think of her constantly, and when I catch myself having fun or not thinking of only her I instantly feel guilty.
    I’ve been told by others that it doesn’t get better as time goes on. I’m terrified for what the future holds.

    Posted on

    • You Matter

      If you are struggling with some tough emotions or feeling lonely, don’t hesitate to call the Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). We are here to listen!

      Posted on

    • Carol

      Carol Carol

      Reply Author

      Hi Zach
      I’m just five years now since I lost my mum to suicide and I have to say I feel like you guilty if I laugh just for a moment then it all comes flooding back to me, how your feeling is the same as I did I think your mind just shuts down to process what as happened and is over whelmed with grief take care and stay safe

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      • You Matter

        Carol, I am sorry to hear about your loss – this is such a difficult thing to go through. The Lifeline is here for you any time day or night, every day of the year at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Please don’t hesitate to call us! We’re here for you.

        Posted on

  • katlyn

    katlyn katlyn

    Reply Author

    June of 2017 it will be two years since my mother commited suicide. We had an estranged relationship for reasons that i thought were uncontrolable at the time.. But now i see things differently and wish that i had changed things before it were to late… I still am not sure how to deal with this situation. Never in my wildest dreams did i think that i would have to deal with a situation like this… and though everyones story is their own im just happy to know that my sisters and i arent the only ones out there dealing with ours. Thank you for sharing

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  • Steve Cash

    I’m only three weeks from the day that my mother took her own life with a pistol in her mouth. Just over twelve years ago I was hurting from my stepfather who put a shotgun to his head. It never makes sense, and you can blame yourself all you want. But, truth be told, you were doubtfully the last thought that they had as they made the final decision… Life goes on. There will be birthdays, Christmas’s and Thanksgiving Dinners that your deceased relatives won’t attend, and many more after that. Life is all about birth, experience and death.

    Posted on

    • You Matter

      We are so sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. Please call the Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) and our crisis counselors should be able to direct you to support services in your area.

      Posted on

  • Kelly Gibbons

    It’s been about 6 months since my mom hung herself. It’s so tough. It’s tough to watch my dad dwindle down to nothing. I took a LOA from work to focus on myself and my mental health. Seeing a therapist, MD, going to support groups and trying to get better. I know things will never be the same but I’m working on my guilt and feeling this is my fault somehow. I know it’s not rationally, it’s hard to feel that way though. I don’t know if it gets better…..but we all deserve to be happy and live wonderful lives. Hugs.

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    • You Matter

      We are so sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. It sounds like you’re going through a lot right now – remember, the Lifeline is here for you any time day or night, every day of the year at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Don’t hesitate to call us, your life matters!

      Posted on

  • Lisa

    Lisa Lisa

    Reply Author

    My mother committed suicide when I was 13 months old. I didn’t find out the truth of how she died until I was 14, my father told me. She shot herself in the head. I didn’t think of it much back then but as I get older, I get more upset because my 2 sons do not have their grandmother. My father never had any other children and is divorced. I’m 31 now with no brothers or sisters. I just feel like I haven’t gotten the answers I’ve been searching for and my father doesn’t ever talk about it anymore. I stopped visiting her grave because I feel angry about it. Not sure if I’m being selfish now ????

    Posted on

    • You Matter

      We are so sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. If you are struggling with some tough emotions or feeling lonely, don’t hesitate to call the Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) and our crisis counselors should be able to direct you to support services in your area.Our crisis counselors are here for you any time day or night, every day of the year at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

      Posted on

    • al

      al al

      Reply Author

      You sound very selfish.

      Posted on

      • You Matter

        Please seriously consider the recommendations, research and how potentially harmful your comment could be. To prevent further harm to others, we recommend that you either change your comment message. Thank you.

        Posted on

      • L

        L L

        Reply Author

        No judgement in how someone shares their loss in suicide plse

        Posted on

        • You Matter

          We are very sorry for your loss. You are so right. Everyone grieves in their own way.

          Posted on

  • Jillian b

    Thank you for sharing your story and it really hit close to home for me because my mom shot herself 4 years ago. Even though it’s been 4 years sometimes I feels like it was yesterday and other times 10 years ago, and I still feel like I’m living on a emotional roller coaster somedays. It has changed me too forever and my family as well, but we have realized that life must go on .

    It’s been even harder for me to cope because I was living with my mom at the time and she and I were best friends, so it felt like I lost an arm or something. The most difficult thing for me is that i got in a huge fight with my mom the day before she died and we never talked again. I believe that she isn’t mad at me anymore but it’s hard for me to get over the guilt especially since I can replay that day in my head over and over again. Even though this whole situation has been horrific I’ve been able to find some healing through a great therapist, supportive dad and brother, friends, and being in college , but I still have those days. I pray for everyone who can relate to losing a loved one to suicide and that they are eventually able to move on.

    Posted on

    • You Matter

      Thank you for reaching out to our community and sharing your story Jillian. We’re glad you have an amazing support group. If you or anyone needs some extra support, we’re here too. 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

      Posted on

    • Michelle

      Thanks for sharing. I too was best friends with my mom…but in a terrible fight prior to her taking her life. It’s a terrible thing to endure.

      Posted on

      • You Matter

        Michelle, I am so sorry to hear of your loss and the difficult time you’re going through – if you are struggling with this don’t hesitate to call us any time day or night at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). The Lifeline is free, confidential, and here for anyone having a hard time.

        Posted on

  • Melanie Daniels

    My mother died by suicide the day before Thanksgiving (a little over a month ago). She shot herself in the chest with a rifle by attaching a long kitchen fork with electrical tape to pull the trigger. My dad found her after he got home from work. They had been married 37 years.

    I keep waking up hating my reality. My mother was one of my best friends. I asked her two weeks beforehand if we was going to hurt herself and she looked at me and my other sister in disbelief and said “why would you say that”. She had been progressively getting worse since September believing she had illnesses that she didn’t have. She turned into a hypercondriac…pair that with her seasonal depression and it was the perfect storm.

    She had never broken a bone and feared death so much. She kept saying she was fighting to live (from these imaginary diseases). We knew it was her depression creeping back up again so we got her into therapy, got her anti-depressants, participated in her doctors appointments. It just feels like it should have been enough. Our love should have been enough to keep her here and it wasn’t. I know she loved me and vice versa. I know she didn’t do this to hurt us because she truly believe she was dying. I just can’t get past why our love wasn’t enough to snap her out of it. We looked through the search history on her smartphone. Up until that morning, everyday she looked up how to beat these diseases and how to improve her positive thinking. There was a self-help positive thinking book in her room 1/2 read also. That morning, she must have snapped and looked up how to kill herself. Why didn’t she just call me? anyone? drive herself to the ER? This hurts so much.

    Posted on

    • You Matter

      Melanie Daniels: I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your Mom. If you are struggling with these tough emotions please call us at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). The Lifeline is here for you, your sister, or anyone struggling through hard times – 24/7/365

      Posted on

      • Sarah ferguson

        My mother killed herself on the 8th of this month. I’m still trying to grasp it. She was loosing her mind in the weeks before. Like your mom she was seeing doctors and on medicine and you would think that with me and her 3 grand babies it would have been enough. Unfortunately my mother wasn’t strong enough to battle the fight inside of herself. It had nothing to do with me or us. My mother went walking in below zero temperatures and overdosed on a variety of pills chased with rum. She was a recovering alcoholic of 20 years. None of us knew she was so depressed. It’s so hard to understand how or why. My mother froze to death. She hated the cold. I miss her so bad but I am glad that those things that plagued her for so long can no longer hurt her. I miss her, we talked daily. Now we talk differently. Hope this helps

        Posted on

        • You Matter

          I am so sorry to hear about your mother. You and your family are in our thoughts. If you are struggling with these tough emotions please call us at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). The Lifeline is here for you, your friend, or anyone struggling through hard times – 24/7/365.

          Posted on

  • Chance foster

    I lost my mom when I was 15 and she did the same thing. I’m sorry for the reasons you know all to well. A mom is the greatest thing in the whole wide world and I miss her more and more everyday. I lost my best friend in the whole wide world 4 short months right after this happened in what was the few short months that shaped me into a man by the age of 15. 3 years ago and I still remember it so vividly and accurately. The rage I felt inside when she did it and hurt is completely in its own category. It’s something you just never forget.

    Posted on

    • You Matter

      Chance, Thank you for sharing your story. If you ever need to talk, please know that Lifeline is here for you 24/7 at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). The call is free and confidential.

      Posted on

  • Izak

    Izak Izak

    Reply Author

    I lost my mom Oct 13, 2017 to suicide. She suffocated herself with a black garbage bag around her neck and took a helium gas tank and ran a pipe into the plastic bag to complete the job successful. She left notes saying that she took her own life the previous night already at 9 pm and I only discovered her body the next morning. She loced herself in her room and the police had to kick the door open to get access to the room. I then saw her on the chair sitting straight with her feet on the bed with the black plastic bag over her head and her hand still on the gas bottle. It hurts like hell to see your mother like that knowing that this was the woman you loved the most and she was the person who gave birth to you and who you could trust with your whole life. It is now basicaly 4 months since she passed and a roller coaster journey. You get good days and bad days. I can not help wondering what my mom must have felt when she took this big step in ending her life. I am 39 now but the pain is still unbearable and just knowing that I will never see her in this life again is a nightmare. Will it ever get better again ? Would do anything just to give her a big hug and tell her how much I loved her. Her death is the worst loss and pain I ever had to handle. I do not wish this on anyone. Thank you for listening.

    Posted on

    • You Matter

      We are so sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. Please call the Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) and our crisis counselors should be able to direct you to support services in your area.

      Posted on

  • Kevin Toliver-Lyons

    My mother committed suicide march of 2014…a little over a week after her birthday. She was a diabetic. She filled up a syringe with insulin and turned the thermostat up to 100 degrees……I’m still in shock. I’m starting a charity for survivors…..Susan D. Lyons Foundation for hope……I don’t know what else to do. My thought is helping others will help me.

    Posted on

    • You Matter

      Hello Kevin, I am so sorry to hear about your mother. Thank you for sharing with us about your charity, Susan D. Lyons Foundation. Have you reached out to 211 in your area? Perhaps they can link you to local resources to help you with your charity? Also, if you ever need somebody to talk to, we are here 24/7, at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

      Posted on

  • Yasmin Holbert

    It helps in a way to read others stories. It’s hard for others who haven’t gone through this to really understand how I feel. My mother went missing on Good Friday a little over a week ago. She was staying with family. One morning she just left her purse and her phone, things she’d never be without and become frantic if she misplaced. She drove her car out into the country and parked her car near the Kings River in California. Her car was found with the keys inside, another item she would always keep nearby. A witness told detectives they saw her cross the road away from the river but I fear the worst. She has still not been found over a week and a half now. Detectives have searched the area and river but have found nothing. They said her phone history showed extensive research on suicide since April 9. That’s the day she texted me she loved me, but I was busy and didn’t text back until the next day. I never heard back and I never called her back. I live in Texas, had moved out here in December after my mom had started to evict me and my kids and husband. It was about the 5th time in the past 7 years we had moved in with her to try and help her with her emotional, mental, and financial issues and since 2015 with the death of my dad from cancer. I’m an only child and have always been attached to my mom in an unhealthy way because she was always very controlling and overprotective. She was a good mother too in that she was loving and giving and funny and great with people in a no nonsense way. I looked up to her but was frustrated with her sheltering me and making me feel responsible for her happiness and not being able to fully follow my dreams. After decades, I’m 36 now. I finally cut contact with her and moved to Texas. We were on horrible terms before I moved. I had fought for months to try and get her counseling and help. She resisted, she accepted, she resisted.
    She became mean and ugly to me and i to her. We continued to live together but rarely spoke. I felt helpless, angry, lonely, and sad for steadily losing my mother to her anxiety, depression, loneliness, fear, and now unbelievably not wanting me anymore. For several months after leaving I didn’t speak to her. In January she called my phone countless times begging and pleading to talk to me and asking for forgiveness. I was angry and hurt but wanted to call her back but faught the urge to. My heart softened and We did text several times before she went missing. I tried calling her a couple of times but she wouldn’t answer only texted back she loved me. My cousin said my mom told her she didn’t want to burden me. I feel guilty for not trying harder. I tried so hard all the years and months before, but when I finally abandoned her and gave up this awful thing has now happened. My mom was always afraid of trying new things and being in danger or getting hurt or sick. I remember one evening last summer I persuaded her to go for a walk with me to the river. I tried and tried to get her to climb down a slightly steep embankment to be able to come down and wade with me in the water. She was too scared and wouldn’t do it. I just can’t imagine that now she actually drowned herself in a river. The thought is heartbreaking and unbearable. At least the initial shock and desperation of this possibility has tamed a bit in me but I still have a mix of emotions in me that make it hard to cope. It’s hard not knowing for sure what has happened. She still hasn’t been found. Just about everything I see, touch, taste, and smell reminds me of her and stirs the regret and grief I feel inside. I’ve already had to mourn the loss of my mother to depression,
    to thinking she didn’t want anything to do with me anymore, and now that she is missing and possibly dead by suicide. I never thought it would come to this and would give anything to go back in time and try to do things differently, but the pain of knowing this is impossible is sharp. I just keep praying for peace for her soul, and for my heart and mind, and for the wisdom to make better decisions the rest of my life. And most of all for the strength to act in Love above all else. It’s all so hard. This life and world is raw both in beauty and ugliness, but I have faith that it’s not the end. We just have to live as best we can while we are here, many if us with the sorrows of life on our back and often heavy on our heart. It helps in a bitter sweet way to remember the happy times with my mom, the goodness in her, her smile. She became afflicted due to the hurt that had been planted in her somewhere in her life and wasn’t able to heal from , and it’s hard to think of her suffering, but it is what it is that’s life. All I can do is try to keep on in a way that is healing by following my heart and the Lord. I hope my story helps in some way.

    Posted on

    • You Matter

      Yasmin, we are so so sorry about your mother dear. We can not imagine the pain you must feel. Our crisis counselors are here for you any time day or night, at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Whenever you are ready to talk, we are here for you Yasmin and your family.

      Posted on

  • AS

    AS AS

    Reply Author

    My mom committed suicide by hanging her self in her bathroom on April 29, 2017. The one thing I keep telling God is that I never want to stop crying for her. I never want to forget her. I’m the out of sight, out of mind type. I just pray her soul is at peace and she is finally happy. That’s all I ever wanted for her. My last interaction with her was me picking a fight and having it blow out of proportions and now all I can ever think about it is how she would still be here if I didn’t act like such a B. Reading the comments section has made me cry and made feel better because I know these feelings I have are normal. I think life will be really tough going forward without her in my life. She’ll be missing out on my brothers college graduation in December, my wedding (if I’m even going to go through with it now) in 2018 and my future children. She already missed out wedding dress shopping this past Saturday. I really wish she was there. I’m just thankful I have really good friends who care about me and are forcing me to do things (like wedding dress shopping) that honestly, I don’t think I would’ve wanted to do. It’s been two weeks since my sweet mothers death and it somehow feels like it happened yesterday and years ago at the same time. I’m sending prayers to everyone going through the same thing as me.

    Posted on

    • You Matter

      Hello AS, We are so very sorry for the loss of your mother. As you mentioned, never forget her, remember her fondly, and know she is with you as you and your family celebrate milestones. We are glad to know that reading some of the comments has brought you comfort. If there ever is a time when you need to talk, please do not hesitate to call Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). We are here for you 24/7/365.

      Posted on

      • Ashley

        Ashley Ashley

        Reply Author

        AS, I’m so sorry about the loss of your mom. I’m literally going through the same thing. My mom hung herself from the staircase in her room, and my 20 year old sister found her. I was in the same situation as you, not on good terms with her. We were fighting and our lasts words will live me me forever. Just know we are not alone in this and there is a lot of support. Again, I’m so sorry for your loss. In my situation, I know my mother is at peace. We need to use our stories to help others and prevent this from happening to anyone else.

        Posted on

  • Georgia

    Georgia Georgia

    Reply Author

    I lost my mother when I was 12, it tore me apart, I never understood what depression was until after it happened. My first thought when I found out was ‘I need to go and see her, check if she is ok’. It still hurts terribly to this day and I still feel like I could have done something.

    Posted on

    • You Matter

      Georgia: We are very sorry about the lost of your mother, it is a one of the kind experiences at a tender age, such a difficult thing to go through. The Lifeline is here for you any time day or night, every day of the year at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Please don’t hesitate to call us! Your life Matters!

      Posted on

  • Melinda

    Melinda Melinda

    Reply Author

    Weird how grief sneaks out of nowhere and punches you in the throat… I just heard You are My Sunshine in a commercial and just remembering my Mom singing it to me as a kid sent tears streaming down my face. Next month it will be 5 years since she shot herself, the guilt and missing still takes my breath away. I’m not even sure why I Googled ‘my Mom shot herself’ just now as I sit here sobbing, but it made me feel better to find this site and be reminded I’m not alone in my suffering. Thank you all for sharing, for being here, for understanding what well meaning friends just can’t grasp. Much love to you all.

    Posted on

    • You Matter

      Melinda: we are so sorry for your loss. It does not matter how long it has been, it is always painful. We are here for you for support, your Life Matters! 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

      Posted on

  • Sad daughter

    It has been three years for me my mother mixed a bunch of pills and killed herself! I found her at 11 on march the 11th she lived with me at the time we got into a huge fight the night before and didn’t speak that morning when I left it don’t get easier it gets harder I feel guilty,anger,sad,and many other thing sometimes I don’t feel nothing at all I have blocked out everyone I don’t like talking about it and I shut everyone out and my family does not even realize how much it still effects me and my whole life it seems like my brother and sisters have just moved on and after the first few months if I brought it up I just got told basically to get over it then if I started crying I was told I use it for sympathy so it’s no use now I just try not to feel nothing from anyone just shut it all out but like my fiance says Its not like I was a kids when it happened I was 27 years old I’m now 30 with three kids of my own she made her decision

    Posted on

    • You Matter

      Hello Sad Daughter: Thanks for sharing your story with us, that was a tragedy. if you feel that you need some support please do not hesitate to call us at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), we are here 24/7. Your life matters!

      Posted on

  • Angie

    Angie Angie

    Reply Author

    Thank you for sharing your story. My mom shot herself 8 years ago. The first 2 years were the worst. I was so angry and hurt, I couldn’t function. I almost lost everything. I still cycle through the emotions of grief. I think of her daily, and miss her so much that sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe. Coping has gotten easier, and I am able to talk about it and her now. I am a teacher, and have been able to share my story with 3 students over the last few years to help them cope with their own tragedies. I pray that God lays his healing hands on everyone who has to go through this in their life.

    Posted on

    • You Matter

      Angie, We are so sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. Thank you for sharing your story of how you’ve been able to strengthen others. Whenever you need support for dealing with emotions related to this, the Lifeline is here for you at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Take care.

      Posted on

  • Ashley

    Ashley Ashley

    Reply Author

    I just lost my mom 2 weeks ago. My 20 year old sister found her hanging from the staircase. We were fighting and not on good terms. I feel so angry, sad, and lost. As a mother myself of 2, I just can’t imagine leaving in that way. I just don’t know how to deal with this.

    Posted on

    • You Matter

      Ashley, We are so very sorry for the loss of your mother. We know you must be overwhelmed with grief and sadness. Please call us anytime at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) to talk. We are here for you!

      Posted on

  • Krystal

    Krystal Krystal

    Reply Author

    I lost my father to suicide over 17 years ago, when I was 12. It was and still is the hardest thing I have ever endured. My heart still hearts everyday when I look into my daughters eyes and know they will never get to know what an amazing man he was. I just wish I could tell him I love him 1 more time!

    Posted on

    • You Matter

      Krystal, If you ever need to talk, the Lifeline is always here for you! Call anytime: 1-800-273-TALK

      Posted on

  • Kyla

    Kyla Kyla

    Reply Author

    My mom hung herself this last month…she texted me her suicide note. She had cried wolf so many times that I couldn’t handle talking her down again so I just called the police. They said they don’t think she meant to go through with it. I’m 22…

    Posted on

    • You Matter

      Kyla, we are so sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. Please call the Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) and our crisis counselors should be able to direct you to support services in your area.

      Posted on

    • Jacob

      Jacob Jacob

      Reply Author

      My mom committed suicide a little over a week ago. I’m the one who found her, I’m 22. This might be weird to say, I’m trying my best to reach out, to find people to talk to, to try to find someone going through what I’m going through. Trying to work through this.

      Posted on

  • Malissa

    Malissa Malissa

    Reply Author

    It’s been 4 months now. I am still haunted by the nightmares and I feel like I will never be the same person again. My mom never drank, but committed suicide by alcohol poisoning and prescription drug overdose. I walked into her apartment and found her face down, dead. Her face was bruised and swollen beyond recognition. Her hands were blue. I’ll never stop seeing it. The day before, she had overheard her husband and I discussing some concerns about her behaviors and later I went to talk to her about our concerns that her meds were off. She didn’t want to hear it. I walked away saying I refused to listen to her self-pity today. Insisting she needed to see a doctor. I found a letter for her husband and a partial letter written to me. Both quite angry. She killed herself that night. I knew I should have checked back on her but I was just exhausted by her behavior and years of dealing with her mental health issues and suicide threats. Now I live with the guilt of getting tired and letting her down.

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  • Jacob

    Jacob Jacob

    Reply Author

    My mom committed suicide a little over a week ago by taking a bottle full of pills on Sunday (8/20/2017). I found her that day and she was then taken to the hospital. She was declared brain dead… unconscious. 4 days later, on Thursday (8/24/2017) she was taken off life support and passed away. I’m honestly not sure how anyone moves forward in life like this. I’m honestly not sure I’m going to move forward in life like this. I’m not really sure why I’m posting this here. I’m just trying anything I can to reach out, and hopefully feel a little better. Feel a little less dead on the inside.

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    • You Matter

      Jacob, I am sorry to hear about the loss of your mother – this is such a difficult thing to go through. The Lifeline is here for you any time day or night, every day of the year at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Please don’t hesitate to call us!

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  • Overtrying

    I still remember waking up to my sisters screams on September 29th 1996 when they found my mom in her bed, and I didn’t cry about it the first time until 15 years later. I was 15 then, and 36 now. Ever since I started crying over it I haven’t been able to stop. Everything I have accumulated in my life now equates to four large duffle bags worth of space. My career in nuclear engineering is useless to me because I can’t stop putting needles in my veins. I wish I could go back to where I was the person everyone wanted to be around because they could lean on me and nothing ever bothered me. The only thing keeping me alive is the hatred for what she did to me and my sisters and the refusal to become her. But God I wait for the day when I can identify strength in her actions and follow suit because everyday I wake up is the new worst day of my life

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    • You Matter

      Overtrying, We are so very sorry for the loss of your mother. This has been a very heartbreaking and traumatic loss for you and your family. It sounds like you have been struggling over the years and not coping very well at times. Please give us a call at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). We are here for you 24/7.

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  • AllannA

    AllannA AllannA

    Reply Author

    I am 13, my mom had bipolar. She went manic when I was 8 and never got better. When I was 11 I lived with my grandparents. The summer I turned 12 I went back to live with my mom, things happened and my grandma came from California while my mom was in the mental hospital in Austin (2.5 hours away) while my grandma was there we decided I would move back to California with her, we moved February 26th. October 30th my mom committed suicide we found out the 31st, I came home from school and found out. It still feels surreal, it has been almost one week and it is really hard
    ~Allanna November 5th 2017

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    • You Matter

      AllannA, We are so very sorry for the heartbreaking and shocking loss of your mother. Our hearts go out to you and your family. The feelings must be overwhelming for you at this time. Please call us and we can talk any time — day or night! Please call us at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

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