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Today marks the second year anniversary of the day that my mother made the choice to end her life. Two years ago my life changed forever, and it honestly feels like it was both forever ago and just yesterday.

I’ve always heard the first year is the hardest. It’s not. You feel an unbearable silence inside yourself because you’re so empty and numb. This second year was so much worse. I have had outbursts of rage and sadness; I have spent nights crying so hard because losing my mom was so painful that it literally felt like my heart was trying to rip itself out of my body to escape all that I felt in that moment.

It wasn’t an easy two years. I finished my last semester of undergrad, had a few dead-end jobs; had financial struggles; had personal struggles; lost a lot of friends; had good days and bad days. I distinctly remember the Finn tribute episode of Glee and how I crumbled on the floor while watching it because it just hurt so bad.

And it changed me. I walked around feeling like my heart was in my stomach and my stomach was in my feet, but my head was off somewhere in the sky. I would be out and feel like I was a different species, because that’s how I was looked at. Everywhere I went, I felt like I was being judged, like everyone knew Oh, that’s the girl whose mom hung herself.

Finally I hit a breaking point. What happened to my family and me was awful, but it does not define us or me. We are not stereotypes and stigmas; we are survivors who went through an awful tragedy and are still standing on the other side, fighting to keep going and help others despite our own pain.

I know that on the 29th I won’t wake up and “everything will be better.” I’m not expecting it to be. There is no magical grief fairy that will come to me that night and take the pain, sadness, and anger that I feel away. I know that this is still early on in a life without my mother and in my own grief journey. Yes, my mother died in a terrible way that I know will always hurt me to some level. However, what I have learned is that this is part of my story, and I want to use my story to help others, to help people not end up like me or my mom. And honestly, I think my mom would be proud of me for doing this.


Comments

30
  • Roshan

    Roshan Roshan

    Reply Author

    Your story encourages me thank you for the to post your story.

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    • Thelonelyone

      Its been 18 years since I found my mom hanging In our bathroom in OK. I was 4 years old, around 4 o-clock in the morning I’ll never be able to get the picture out of my head I’m 22 now and it never gets easier, I don’t blame, just the constant wonder how she felt, the intense courage and feirce battle that she got consumed by, it must have been very frightening for her, I’m sorry and share some of that pain it’s what makes me strong in this world, mabey one day will be reunited in the heaven’s

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      • You Matter

        No matter what problems you are struggling with just remember your life matters! In order to talk to a Crisis Counselor, please call the Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). The call is free and confidential; we’re here for you 24/7/365.

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      • CORy

        CORy CORy

        Reply Author

        I was also 4 years old in Oklahoma when my mother hung herself in 1997 and my father the same in 2008 i am now 23 and still feel the emptiness i go through depression fazes every now and then it feels like everyone in my life besides my brother doesnt understand the way it impacts you

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        • You Matter

          CORy, Thank you for your reply. We are very sorry for the loss of your mom and dad. Sounds like you have had to endure a lot and we want you to know that we are here for you any time you need to talk. Please call us at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

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  • l

    l l

    Reply Author

    Thank you for posting this.

    Posted on

  • jillian a

    Thank you for sharing, and I am sorry for your loss. 10 years ago my grandpa died by suicide and one of my best friends died 2 years ago the same way.

    It never gets easier, but reading other people who share that experience only helps.

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  • Riana

    Riana Riana

    Reply Author

    My mom committed suicide when I was 13. it has now been 20 years. Not a day goes by that I don’t run though it all in my mind. Stay strong Hun. It’s not easy and it will never be something that you get over. It’s a process and you will do grief rollercoasters forever. But remember the times when she was happy, the love you shared together and the dreams you know she had for you. Thank you for sharing your story and if you need suicide survivor buddy I would be happy to be there for you anytime.

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    • You Matter

      Hello Riana,thank you for reaching out to us here at The Lifeline, our crisis counselors hare here for you any time day or night, every day of the year at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Don’t hesitate to call us! If you are more comfortable chatting online please use the private link below to chat with a Lifeline counselor. We want to help you. Your life matters! http://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/FBchatterms.aspx

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  • Zach

    Zach Zach

    Reply Author

    It’s been just over a week.
    I’m not sure what I’m doing or how I’m supposed to feel. I still don’t really feel anything. I want to cry sometimes but nothing happens. I think of her constantly, and when I catch myself having fun or not thinking of only her I instantly feel guilty.
    I’ve been told by others that it doesn’t get better as time goes on. I’m terrified for what the future holds.

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    • You Matter

      If you are struggling with some tough emotions or feeling lonely, don’t hesitate to call the Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). We are here to listen!

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  • katlyn

    katlyn katlyn

    Reply Author

    June of 2017 it will be two years since my mother commited suicide. We had an estranged relationship for reasons that i thought were uncontrolable at the time.. But now i see things differently and wish that i had changed things before it were to late… I still am not sure how to deal with this situation. Never in my wildest dreams did i think that i would have to deal with a situation like this… and though everyones story is their own im just happy to know that my sisters and i arent the only ones out there dealing with ours. Thank you for sharing

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  • Steve Cash

    I’m only three weeks from the day that my mother took her own life with a pistol in her mouth. Just over twelve years ago I was hurting from my stepfather who put a shotgun to his head. It never makes sense, and you can blame yourself all you want. But, truth be told, you were doubtfully the last thought that they had as they made the final decision… Life goes on. There will be birthdays, Christmas’s and Thanksgiving Dinners that your deceased relatives won’t attend, and many more after that. Life is all about birth, experience and death.

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    • You Matter

      We are so sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. Please call the Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) and our crisis counselors should be able to direct you to support services in your area.

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  • Kelly Gibbons

    It’s been about 6 months since my mom hung herself. It’s so tough. It’s tough to watch my dad dwindle down to nothing. I took a LOA from work to focus on myself and my mental health. Seeing a therapist, MD, going to support groups and trying to get better. I know things will never be the same but I’m working on my guilt and feeling this is my fault somehow. I know it’s not rationally, it’s hard to feel that way though. I don’t know if it gets better…..but we all deserve to be happy and live wonderful lives. Hugs.

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    • You Matter

      We are so sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. It sounds like you’re going through a lot right now – remember, the Lifeline is here for you any time day or night, every day of the year at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Don’t hesitate to call us, your life matters!

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  • Lisa

    Lisa Lisa

    Reply Author

    My mother committed suicide when I was 13 months old. I didn’t find out the truth of how she died until I was 14, my father told me. She shot herself in the head. I didn’t think of it much back then but as I get older, I get more upset because my 2 sons do not have their grandmother. My father never had any other children and is divorced. I’m 31 now with no brothers or sisters. I just feel like I haven’t gotten the answers I’ve been searching for and my father doesn’t ever talk about it anymore. I stopped visiting her grave because I feel angry about it. Not sure if I’m being selfish now ????

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    • You Matter

      We are so sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. If you are struggling with some tough emotions or feeling lonely, don’t hesitate to call the Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) and our crisis counselors should be able to direct you to support services in your area.Our crisis counselors are here for you any time day or night, every day of the year at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

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  • Jillian b

    Thank you for sharing your story and it really hit close to home for me because my mom shot herself 4 years ago. Even though it’s been 4 years sometimes I feels like it was yesterday and other times 10 years ago, and I still feel like I’m living on a emotional roller coaster somedays. It has changed me too forever and my family as well, but we have realized that life must go on .

    It’s been even harder for me to cope because I was living with my mom at the time and she and I were best friends, so it felt like I lost an arm or something. The most difficult thing for me is that i got in a huge fight with my mom the day before she died and we never talked again. I believe that she isn’t mad at me anymore but it’s hard for me to get over the guilt especially since I can replay that day in my head over and over again. Even though this whole situation has been horrific I’ve been able to find some healing through a great therapist, supportive dad and brother, friends, and being in college , but I still have those days. I pray for everyone who can relate to losing a loved one to suicide and that they are eventually able to move on.

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    • You Matter

      Thank you for reaching out to our community and sharing your story Jillian. We’re glad you have an amazing support group. If you or anyone needs some extra support, we’re here too. 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

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  • Melanie Daniels

    My mother died by suicide the day before Thanksgiving (a little over a month ago). She shot herself in the chest with a rifle by attaching a long kitchen fork with electrical tape to pull the trigger. My dad found her after he got home from work. They had been married 37 years.

    I keep waking up hating my reality. My mother was one of my best friends. I asked her two weeks beforehand if we was going to hurt herself and she looked at me and my other sister in disbelief and said “why would you say that”. She had been progressively getting worse since September believing she had illnesses that she didn’t have. She turned into a hypercondriac…pair that with her seasonal depression and it was the perfect storm.

    She had never broken a bone and feared death so much. She kept saying she was fighting to live (from these imaginary diseases). We knew it was her depression creeping back up again so we got her into therapy, got her anti-depressants, participated in her doctors appointments. It just feels like it should have been enough. Our love should have been enough to keep her here and it wasn’t. I know she loved me and vice versa. I know she didn’t do this to hurt us because she truly believe she was dying. I just can’t get past why our love wasn’t enough to snap her out of it. We looked through the search history on her smartphone. Up until that morning, everyday she looked up how to beat these diseases and how to improve her positive thinking. There was a self-help positive thinking book in her room 1/2 read also. That morning, she must have snapped and looked up how to kill herself. Why didn’t she just call me? anyone? drive herself to the ER? This hurts so much.

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    • You Matter

      Melanie Daniels: I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your Mom. If you are struggling with these tough emotions please call us at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). The Lifeline is here for you, your sister, or anyone struggling through hard times – 24/7/365

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      • Sarah ferguson

        My mother killed herself on the 8th of this month. I’m still trying to grasp it. She was loosing her mind in the weeks before. Like your mom she was seeing doctors and on medicine and you would think that with me and her 3 grand babies it would have been enough. Unfortunately my mother wasn’t strong enough to battle the fight inside of herself. It had nothing to do with me or us. My mother went walking in below zero temperatures and overdosed on a variety of pills chased with rum. She was a recovering alcoholic of 20 years. None of us knew she was so depressed. It’s so hard to understand how or why. My mother froze to death. She hated the cold. I miss her so bad but I am glad that those things that plagued her for so long can no longer hurt her. I miss her, we talked daily. Now we talk differently. Hope this helps

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        • You Matter

          I am so sorry to hear about your mother. You and your family are in our thoughts. If you are struggling with these tough emotions please call us at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). The Lifeline is here for you, your friend, or anyone struggling through hard times – 24/7/365.

          Posted on

  • Chance foster

    I lost my mom when I was 15 and she did the same thing. I’m sorry for the reasons you know all to well. A mom is the greatest thing in the whole wide world and I miss her more and more everyday. I lost my best friend in the whole wide world 4 short months right after this happened in what was the few short months that shaped me into a man by the age of 15. 3 years ago and I still remember it so vividly and accurately. The rage I felt inside when she did it and hurt is completely in its own category. It’s something you just never forget.

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    • You Matter

      Chance, Thank you for sharing your story. If you ever need to talk, please know that Lifeline is here for you 24/7 at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). The call is free and confidential.

      Posted on

  • Izak

    Izak Izak

    Reply Author

    I lost my mom Oct 13, 2017 to suicide. She suffocated herself with a black garbage bag around her neck and took a helium gas tank and ran a pipe into the plastic bag to complete the job successful. She left notes saying that she took her own life the previous night already at 9 pm and I only discovered her body the next morning. She loced herself in her room and the police had to kick the door open to get access to the room. I then saw her on the chair sitting straight with her feet on the bed with the black plastic bag over her head and her hand still on the gas bottle. It hurts like hell to see your mother like that knowing that this was the woman you loved the most and she was the person who gave birth to you and who you could trust with your whole life. It is now basicaly 4 months since she passed and a roller coaster journey. You get good days and bad days. I can not help wondering what my mom must have felt when she took this big step in ending her life. I am 39 now but the pain is still unbearable and just knowing that I will never see her in this life again is a nightmare. Will it ever get better again ? Would do anything just to give her a big hug and tell her how much I loved her. Her death is the worst loss and pain I ever had to handle. I do not wish this on anyone. Thank you for listening.

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    • You Matter

      We are so sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. Please call the Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) and our crisis counselors should be able to direct you to support services in your area.

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  • Kevin Toliver-Lyons

    My mother committed suicide march of 2014…a little over a week after her birthday. She was a diabetic. She filled up a syringe with insulin and turned the thermostat up to 100 degrees……I’m still in shock. I’m starting a charity for survivors…..Susan D. Lyons Foundation for hope……I don’t know what else to do. My thought is helping others will help me.

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    • You Matter

      Hello Kevin, I am so sorry to hear about your mother. Thank you for sharing with us about your charity, Susan D. Lyons Foundation. Have you reached out to 211 in your area? Perhaps they can link you to local resources to help you with your charity? Also, if you ever need somebody to talk to, we are here 24/7, at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

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