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Growing up, I never thought I was gay. As a child, surrounded by the stories of Disney princesses and The Notebook, I developed romantic tunnel vision, seeing the only path to happiness as one that ended like the stories I so happily devoured. My avid imagination spurred my fantasies into intricate tales of me and my prince, happily together in a stone cottage overlooking the sea, surrounded by our prodigious ginger children. My naturally introverted nature strengthened my dependency on these fairy tales. I believed everything that wasn’t falling into place now, would when I was older.

I was fourteen when I met Rachel. What I felt for her would take almost two years to say out loud. During this time, I learned first hand the difficulties, and misconceptions, of coming out to myself and to others. There is not one way to accept yourself, as there is not one way to fall in love, or to be happy, or to pick your favorite color. This is the most frustrating advice, as it seems like an overgeneralized, detached statement about a very personal experience. Often times it’s misinterpreted to mean you will have to face your journey alone.

But it is neither of these things. Although you will have to make a personal journey, you do not have to go about it by yourself. In fact, it’s often very helpful and comforting to have an ally during that time. It can be a close friend or family member, with whom you feel safe with and encouraged by. Finding a support group or club can also be helpful to find people who personally understand what you’re going through. If none of these options are available, turn to your computer. The internet has allowed for the creation of hundreds of online communities and support systems. Organizations such as The Trevor Project also provide assistance through internet chat and other resources.

It may seem like a very scary thing to externalize what you are feeling when you are questioning. By saying, “I might be queer,” you are not labeling yourself as LGBTQ, and vice versa. If you talk about what you are experiencing, you may be able to better understand yourself. Know that coming out to yourself is going to most likely be strange, emotional, and in no way perfect. There is no rational way of going about it. Love is possibly the most irrational element of human nature, and knowing who you love corresponds with that. It is easiest to go about sexuality with an open mind. Love and hate do not mix well together, and trying to find your orientation while surrounded by negative thoughts can be very difficult.

In the end, coming out will be what it will be. There’s days when I wake up and wish that I wasn’t gay. But when those times happen? I make myself look back at how unhappy I was before I came out, and then I continue to enjoy the simple beauty of being able to be myself.

A couple days ago, the girl I am dating gave me a book. It’s a modern version of Cinderella, where a girl falls in love with a female warrior. Maybe I couldn’t get my prince, but I found there’s lots of other fairy tales I can create for myself.

…And so can you.


Comments

8
  • Rrrrr

    Rrrrr Rrrrr

    Reply Author

    I wished that i can be this honest i wish i had someone to make me feel everything is gonna be just fine its really lonely and darkk in here everyday is harder i wish u would always be happy and wishh god to be with u and to forgive u and forgive us for our sins

    Posted on

    • You Matter

      Rrrrr,
      We’re so sorry for all the struggles you are going through and we want to help. Whenever you’re feeling lonely, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK. The call is free and confidential, and crisis workers are there 24/7 to assist you. We hope to hear from you soon.

      Posted on

  • jamie

    jamie jamie

    Reply Author

    i really want to be like u right now. i really have knife in my hand i dont know what i am going to do with my life. everyone is so mean and they hate me. god please dont make me do this

    Posted on

    • Vibrant Communications

      Jamie, Please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline @800-273-8255. We care about you and want to help you. Your life matters to us.

      Posted on

  • Vibrant Communications

    Hello Carlos, thank you for reaching out to our community here and sharing your story. Remember that the Lifeline is here for you, 24/7/365 at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

    Posted on

    • marissa

      marissa marissa

      Reply Author

      omg please dont do that!!!!

      Posted on

  • CHey

    CHey CHey

    Reply Author

    I think I’m a lesbian and have attempted suicide before. A lot. (I look up to Hayley Kiyoko) I am a sophomore, when I was in eighth grade, I fell for a sophomore. She/He is a Female to Male transgender. I am still in love with her and unable to move on. My family did not like the fact that ‘she’ was a ‘girl’ and pulled me out of school and I am now online school. She treated me better than anyone ever has. I have recently been thinking about ending everything just to feel nothing at all. I don’t want to continue through this and I don’t think I can do this anymore.

    Posted on

    • Vibrant Communications

      Hello Chey, No matter how hard things are – hurting yourself is never the answer. The Lifeline is here for you any time day or night at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Don’t hesitate to call us for extra support. Your life matters!

      Posted on