If there was a way this letter could have gotten to you tonight, I don’t think you would have even listened. The grips of depression are relentless and intoxicating. It took years of deciding that despite the love around you, you are entirely alone. You think you are ready for your life to end.
You believe you are done here; you think you have seen enough, felt enough, hurt enough. You have been fighting through every single day but in reality, you surrendered a long time ago. You put on a fake smile at work, you wash your hair and you wear makeup, you lie about your thoughts and feelings, you keep everyone at a distance. You have cleaned your apartment, done all your laundry, emptied out your fridge. You have mused about what happens to you when you die, and you have come to no conclusion, but you are willing to take the chance. You know nobody would understand why you need to go and you think this is because they cannot feel the things you feel, cannot know the things you know.
You don’t realize that your suicide attempt will set in motion a ripple that touches every single edge and corner of this world. If you do not survive your attempt, your family and friends will never heal from the pain of losing you. It will be a deep, gnawing pain that they will carry for the rest of their lives.
I know you think you have the right to decide what happens to your own life, but what you fail to comprehend is that your existence is so much bigger than just you. You are a part of everything that exists, everything that has existed, and everything that will ever exist. Hurting yourself is hurting the entire universe. You matter. The part you play is important; you play it by just being you: no acting and no apologies. Who you are and what you feel is okay; you do not have to be anything else.
You are not your pain. You are not what happened to you. You are not a name, a number, a body taking up too much space. You are not the girl who simply lives to please others. You are not your years lost. You are not an empty shell. You are not a monster and you are not an alien. You are a human, and you are real. Your true self is in there, and she is incredible. You will meet her and you will love her, I promise. She is begging to be seen. You will find her.
I am sorry that you cannot feel any of this right now. I understand, but I am pleading with you, Leah; you do not have to do this.
You don’t know that when you get to the other side of this – and you will – you’re going to be reborn into someone you will genuinely love someday. You will be authentic and accepted. You will meet people whose paths coincide with yours for a reason far beyond yourself. The relationships you have that feel strained right now, they will grow so full and deep and sustaining. You will feel so different, so much lighter, so much more capable.
You will genuinely enjoy life again. You will be awestruck by nature, your heart will swell with the smiles and laughs of children, you will learn concepts and lessons that will excite and invigorate you. You will have hopes and dreams and goals. You will lean into the love from your friends and family and you will feel like you belong. You will look at time completely differently – the way it’s structured, the way it demands to be filled and the way you fill it, how quickly it seems to pass – and you are going to value it more than you know right now. You will use the time you are gifted for amazing things. You will feel passion and a fire will be lit within you each day by the excruciating beauty of your own life, your own willingness to live.
If you make this decision right now, you have no idea the whirlwind ahead of you. You have no idea the pain your near-death is going to cause your loved ones. You think you know exactly where you will go, that your plan is foolproof, that nothing can stop you now. You are wrong. You are so very wrong.
I am so sorry you cannot see that, but Leah, I want you to forgive yourself for all of this. I want you to be compassionate toward yourself and forgive yourself for not knowing any of these things before you knew them. I want you to be proud when you reach the other side. I want you to know that you deserve life and you are meant for life. I want you to know that despite the decision you make tonight, despite all the pain you have felt and the pain you have caused, despite the things you lose on this road, I promise you will gain so much more. Your life was and always has been written in the stars, and the world is so much better with you in it.