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Today marks the second year anniversary of the day that my mother made the choice to end her life. Two years ago my life changed forever, and it honestly feels like it was both forever ago and just yesterday.

I’ve always heard the first year is the hardest. It’s not. You feel an unbearable silence inside yourself because you’re so empty and numb. This second year was so much worse. I have had outbursts of rage and sadness; I have spent nights crying so hard because losing my mom was so painful that it literally felt like my heart was trying to rip itself out of my body to escape all that I felt in that moment.

It wasn’t an easy two years. I finished my last semester of undergrad, had a few dead-end jobs; had financial struggles; had personal struggles; lost a lot of friends; had good days and bad days. I distinctly remember the Finn tribute episode of Glee and how I crumbled on the floor while watching it because it just hurt so bad.

And it changed me. I walked around feeling like my heart was in my stomach and my stomach was in my feet, but my head was off somewhere in the sky. I would be out and feel like I was a different species, because that’s how I was looked at. Everywhere I went, I felt like I was being judged, like everyone knew Oh, that’s the girl whose mom hung herself.

Finally I hit a breaking point. What happened to my family and me was awful, but it does not define us or me. We are not stereotypes and stigmas; we are survivors who went through an awful tragedy and are still standing on the other side, fighting to keep going and help others despite our own pain.

I know that on the 29th I won’t wake up and “everything will be better.” I’m not expecting it to be. There is no magical grief fairy that will come to me that night and take the pain, sadness, and anger that I feel away. I know that this is still early on in a life without my mother and in my own grief journey. Yes, my mother died in a terrible way that I know will always hurt me to some level. However, what I have learned is that this is part of my story, and I want to use my story to help others, to help people not end up like me or my mom. And honestly, I think my mom would be proud of me for doing this.


Comments

195
  • Roshan

    Your story encourages me thank you for the to post your story.

    Posted on

    • Thelonelyone

      Its been 18 years since I found my mom hanging In our bathroom in OK. I was 4 years old, around 4 o-clock in the morning I’ll never be able to get the picture out of my head I’m 22 now and it never gets easier, I don’t blame, just the constant wonder how she felt, the intense courage and feirce battle that she got consumed by, it must have been very frightening for her, I’m sorry and share some of that pain it’s what makes me strong in this world, mabey one day will be reunited in the heaven’s

      Posted on

      • You Matter

        No matter what problems you are struggling with just remember your life matters! In order to talk to a Crisis Counselor, please call the Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). The call is free and confidential; we’re here for you 24/7/365.

        Posted on

      • CORy

        I was also 4 years old in Oklahoma when my mother hung herself in 1997 and my father the same in 2008 i am now 23 and still feel the emptiness i go through depression fazes every now and then it feels like everyone in my life besides my brother doesnt understand the way it impacts you

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        • You Matter

          CORy, Thank you for your reply. We are very sorry for the loss of your mom and dad. Sounds like you have had to endure a lot and we want you to know that we are here for you any time you need to talk. Please call us at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

          Posted on

        • HoLlie

          My mom hung herself six months ago, I’m still in high school. It’s so hard. They got her heart to start again but we found out she was brain dead.. we then had to pull the plug. Lately I keep reliving that whole week and it’s so hard

          Posted on

          • Vibrant Communications

            Hollie, I am sorry to hear about the loss of your mother and how she killed herself – this is such a difficult thing to go through. The Lifeline is here for you any time day or night, every day of the year at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) whenever you need extra support. Please don’t hesitate to call us!

            Posted on

          • Michelle

            Michelle Michelle

            Author

            Hollie I have a daughter in high school and I’m sorry for what you’ve been going through. I’ve been struggling with severe depression but seeing your post has made me think about her. Thank you

            Posted on

          • Vibrant Communications

            Hello Michelle, thank you for reaching out to our community and encouraging others! Don’t hesitate to call the Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) if you ever need extra support. The call is free and confidential and counselors are available 24/7.

            Posted on

          • Vibrant Communications

            Hi Michelle, If you are struggling with some tough emotions or feeling lonely, don’t hesitate to call the Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). We are here to listen!

            Posted on

          • Jourdan

            Jourdan Jourdan

            Author

            My mom 2 months ago today. I’m still in disbelief and feel like I will see her in a few months.

            Posted on

          • Vibrant Communications

            Jourdan, we are sorry to hear about the loss of your mother – this is such a difficult thing to go through. No matter how hard things are – hurting yourself is never the answer. The Lifeline is here for you any time day or night at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Don’t hesitate to call us for extra support. Your life matters!

            Posted on

          • Sean van Boven

            My mother committed suicide after I had a argument with her about my older brother, I was 17, it was 1984,. 14feb. I and most of my family blamed me for a long time. I went on a destructive path using alcohol and any drug mostly prescription pills as a crouch, a way to kill the pain get rid of the demons, I was only slowly killing myself until I decided to do something about the pain, and I did. My mother’s suicide was not my fault my mother probably made that decision long before that day, my family blaming me was only a way to cover themselves as they now blame my father. Coming to terms with what my mother did us still hard but I don’t let it eat away at me like it used to. I now don’t drink don’t smoke don’t take drugs. I’m free of any guilt thought. It took me till 49 and what a waste if life it was. Now I have my home true family and a really good life to look forward to. Never let another person’s actions destroy your life, it was there decision not yours. Live your life to its fullest, enjoy everyday.

            Posted on

          • becky

            becky becky

            Author

            thank-you hollie
            reading your story has helped me.

            Posted on

      • Connie

        It’s been 20 years and I do blame. I blame myself for not answering the phone and I blame my mom for taking herself from my son. He doesn’t remember her. He was 5. I still can’t remember what else happened that Christmas. She shot herself, her three-timing married lover, and their dog. How do I get out?

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        • You Matter

          Connie, This must have been very difficult for you. We are here 24/7 for support at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Please give us a call.

          Posted on

        • Bradley

          My mom committed suicide when I was 11 I’m 23 and have been diagnosed with major depression ptsd and costantly thinking about committing suicide myself it only seems harder as time goes on and right now I’m on the verge of committing suicide but am scared to at the same time I constantly think about her and relive every moment like it’s happening and it has even affected me where I can’t even hold down a job no longer than a month at a time if that

          Posted on

          • Vibrant Communications

            Hello Bradley, We are so sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. It sounds like you are having a really difficult time coping. Life may seem meaningless now, but we want to help you find hope, no matter what problems you are struggling with, hurting yourself is never the answer. If you need a little extra emotional support, Please call the Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) and our crisis counselors should be able to direct you to local support services in your area. Our website also offers supportive information as well as links to additional organizations which may be useful during this time, https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/help-yourself/loss-survivors/.

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      • Emily

        Thank you for sharing your story.

        Posted on

      • Michael

        Hello I’m a single father now to a 8 year old daughter. My daughter’s mother killed herself after a new boyfriend relationship ended and they just had a newborn. Me and her dated when we I was 21 and He was 19 she was my 2nd gf and we had a beautiful daughter together. 3 years later we realized we aren’t going to work and I tried to be with her but fiancially stressed 24/7 are relationship fell apart. She wanted a new boyfriend which if you speed up 4 years later they had arguments which my daughter witnessed and then had the cops called on her and then removed from house she paid for because she only had his name.on the house! 1 month later she’s calling me up needed me to be a witness for a court case because she didn’t want to lose custody of her newborn. We already had a 7 year old child at the time and I knew she was suffering from post pardon depression but I obliged because she was an absolutely amazing mother. She was hoping she would get her fairytale ending I guess and it never happened with the new guy. I remember telling her when she was going through custody court with her second child “Hang in there!”. She lost custody of her 6 month newborn because the judge didn’t see her fit since she was suffering from post pardon depression and her ex recorded phone calls so she lost because she said dumb stuff. She was very sad on the drive home. I was there for her and she said “I’m going to kill myself my life is ruined, I wish I never had a kid with him why can’t all guys be like you!” I remember telling her “Hey, don’t talk like that we have a child together and you have a newborn they need there mother.” She snapped out of it. “Your right I’m sorry this just sucks so bad.” I remember calling her checking up on her the next few days subconscious knowing something was wrong but she would keep responding “I’m fine, nothing to worry about!” I crack a joke we have a laugh and then schedule when I go pick my daughter up from her house later that week. The very next day I was doing laundry she calls me frantic!. “Please take our daughter please please!, I said “Okay, sure yeah no problem.” I make it to my Apartment she brings my daughter. My little one was quick to leave her arms hasn’t seen daddy in 2 weeka. However, I just knew something wasn’t right. “Hey hug your mother and tell her you love her I told our daughter” Her mother was cold as a rock, stiffer then a bat she didn’t want to be touched, she wanted to get away. As she hurried away l yelled “Hey, are you okay?!, Everything alright?!”… “Yes, I will be back in 30 mins just need to clear my head”. She drove off just fine.. 30 minutes pass nothing. 1 hour passes nothing. I send her a text. You okay? Nothing.. 2 days later she text me back. “Take care of our daughter” at 9:00am. I woke up at 11:30AM.. sent a text back “Hey you good?”. Nothing.. the next day her mom calls me of course bad news.. I of course heartbroken I work overnight so 9:00am I’m always sleeping. Out of all the woman I had a relationship with and the only kid with she decided to take her life. I asked how?! Her mom tells me she drove to Vegas and she Jumped. The worst part was I was about to shatter my daughters childhood by telling her. I have to tell her or I’m a bad parent but I didn’t know where to start… luckily her mother mom helped find a child therapist so we can break the news together. It was very heartbreaking cuddling my daughter tears and hearing her air get sucked from her Lungs because it was terrible and wish that on nobody! 1 year later me and my daughter have formed a very strong relationship. I know children are 3x more likely to commit suicide if a parent does. So I told myself I want to be there for her at all times. I even bought her a phone. She told me a few months ago “My life sucks, covid 19 sucks and I want to just die already.” She feels her world’s ruined because her half sister she hasn’t seen since her mother death and she deeply misses her mom. I haven’t talked to her ex boyfriend because we believe he put too much stress on her at one time and just could careless in my opinion at the time. He probably has alot of guilt but my conscience is clean I was there for her when she needed me most. Me and my daughter mother co-parent and friends so it sucks she gone I miss her laugh the most. Wish I never broke up with her and met her at 25 and not 19 :(. Anyways my daughter is my priority now. My daughter told me she was going to kill herself few weeks ago she’s only 8. I told her well you might as well kill me before you do so because I’ma be dead inside once you go and cry everyday. She smiled and was like nope I’m going to never leave your side. I now workout more because I know when I die it will be very traumatic for her so trying to live very old if I can just for her. The worst part is her mother took her life 7 months after my mother overdose. However, I look at the bright side. I only I introduced this woman to my mother. They said you date someone like your mom. It’s crazy knowing my mother was waiting for her on the other side. I’m very spiritual. My mother visited me once in a dream after her passing and it was very comforting. I woke up crying because it was very real. Haven’t seen my mom since that dream. Then I had another dream of my daughters mother in a purgatory having to watch from the other side a window almost helpless because she can’t do anything in this world anymore she only lived with regret. I was struggling financially jobless at the time of her death as well. Eventually I made it got a much better job and been a full-time dad ever since. For the first time in my life I’m financially stable. Finally I had one more vivid lucid dream where it was a empty airport. I saw my daughter mother sitting alone waiting. I walked up to her and told her “Hey, you know I’m single to?” In the dream she said “I didn’t know all sad.” I remember responding “well if the next life allows us I will make it more apparent”. I remember telling her “I forgive her for leaving us and I will take care of our daughter I kissed her on the lips and hugged her and told her I will always love her” Anyways in the lucid dream the moment the sadness was gone, she smiled and laughed. She stood up proceeded to board a plane and it lifted to Heaven. If your reading this and don’t think Heaven is real let me remind you this. Your floating on a rock in space that has water. If you know this to be true then anything’s possible. Anyways stay blessed and don’t give up on life, it’s to short to give up now! Enjoy 😉

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    • MentalLy ill mommy

      I am a mother and I have severe mental illness. I am considering suicide because I read all about “survivors” of a mentally ill mother and how damaged they are. Which i s worse

      Posted on

      • You Matter

        It sounds like you are struggling with some tough thoughts and feelings. Please give us a call at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) — we are here for you!

        Posted on

      • Samantha

        my mother is gone now. She just decided to die a few weeks ago. Though she was very sick, I would continue to be there for her and deal with whatever “trouble” she felt she caused. I’ll always miss her because the happy times outweighed the bad. Don’t do it, it may take work to live but don’t leave.

        Posted on

        • You Matter

          Hey Samantha, it sounds like you are having a really difficult time coping. If you need a little extra emotional support, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK. The call is free and confidential, and crisis workers are there 24/7 to assist you. The Lifeline is there for everyone.

          Posted on

      • Rachael

        The worst would be not having you in their lives.. Please Please stay around. I LOST MY MOM BY SUICIDE. AT THE AGE OF 9.I AM NOW 49 AND IT STILL IMPACYS MY LIFE.

        Posted on

        • Vibrant Communications

          Rachael, thank you for sharing your story. Don’t hesitate to call us for extra support. Your life matters! The Lifeline is here for you any time day or night at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

          Posted on

        • Julie Lynn Navarrete

          I lost my Mother at 8 yrs old. I’m turning 48 this month. The pain has numbed as time passes but it will never leave me completely. I did not ever have any support as a child. Everyone just went on like nothing had happened and expected me to do the same. It would have been nice to have someone to talk to way back then. My Father could not even deal with my brother and myself or would not, As we were passed off onto one relative and then another. From what I have been told, he even tried to sell me in the local paper. Yes, I have some real issues now. Please! Anyone who is thinking of commiting suicide just don’t do it! Especially if you have childre! Get Help!!

          Posted on

          • Vibrant Communications

            Julie, We are sorry for your loss and appreciate you sharing your story. If you ever need to talk to someone the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 800-273-8255 is available to you 24/7. Also, thank you for supporting and encouraging our community.

            Posted on

          • Sarah

            Sarah Sarah

            Author

            Hi,
            There’s no words for what has happened to you, I couldn’t imagine and I’m sorry it happened to you. It also happened to my husband when he was 13. I know it still really effects his life daily (and I don’t blame him at all for that and I wish I could help in some way). I really don’t know how to express or say in the right words what I mean to ask I guess… and please don’t get me wrong this is not about me.
            Long story short we have created a family, I knew and know his mothers Suicide has taken a great toll on him. It’s just that he cheats on me and our son when times get even alittle tough. He has watched his father do this all his life but at some point I feel like he should know right from wrong (his father had a part in his mother’s death) and that’s not the way to go about things. I have stayed bc of all that…
            My question is do you think he is doing this out of self defense mechanism or his need to always have someone boost his self confidence? I just don’t know or understand bc like I said I could not imagine. I try my best to understand his point of view and feel so bad for him and his up bringing. I’m asking bc unfortunately you have been through similar scenarios. Thank you in advance

            Posted on

          • Vibrant Communications

            Sarah, thank you for participating in our community and supporting Julie.

            Posted on

      • Patty

        This world is a better place with you in it. My mom slashed her wrists and ankles when I was 17. I cleaned up the blood so that I could protect my dad from seeing what I did. I am 60 years old now, and will never stop letting people know they are loved more than they can possibly know. Please reach out for help.

        Posted on

        • Vibrant Communications

          Patty, we are sorry that you had to experience this. We appreciate you sharing your story and supporting and encouraging our community. If you ever need someone to talk to, please remember that the Lifeline (800-273/8255) is available 24/7. You matter to us.

          Posted on

          • Amber

            Amber Amber

            Author

            I found my mother on August 12th. I was 17, it was my birthday two weeks before.
            The night before she took her life we had a terrible fight. Every sad song I hear makes
            Me think of her and me and how I failed her. I wish she had stayed, I wish I had known better. I pray she knows how much I love and miss her and how completely broken I have been since she left.

            Posted on

          • Vibrant Communications

            Amber, I am sorry to hear about the loss of your mother – this is such a difficult thing to go through. The Lifeline is here for you any time day or night, every day of the year at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) for extra support. Please don’t hesitate to call us!

            Posted on

      • Cindy

        We should talk … I feel the same and no one understands.
        [email protected]

        Posted on

        • Vibrant Communications

          Cindy, if you need someone to talk to, remember that the Lifeline is here for you any time day or night, every day of the year at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Your life matters!

          Posted on

      • Karen

        I feel my daughter is strong and the worry I give her everyday is not fair! The wondering if today will be the day! I know she would feel relief to just have me do it and get it over with! I stopped taking my anti depressants to hopefully be able to get it done. I feel so lonely and like a failure I can’t hamdle looking at myself anymore!

        Posted on

        • Vibrant Communications

          Karen, it sounds like you are dealing with a lot of different emotions. We are sorry for everything that you are going through, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) 24/7 We are here for you. We care.

          Posted on

        • Gina

          Karen – I can envision my mother thinking the same things as you. She took her life on August 11, 1999 when I was 21, 3 weeks before my senior year at college. I have been broken ever since… the guilt I feel for not saving my best friend, it never goes away. If you love your daughter, you must not do this to her.

          Posted on

          • Vibrant Communications

            Thank you for reaching out to our community and encouraging others! Don’t hesitate to call the Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) if you ever need extra support. The call is free and confidential and counselors are available 24/7. You Matter!

            Posted on

        • Gina

          Karen – My mother killed herself on August 11, 1999, three weeks before my senior year in college. I was 21. She was my best friend. I picture her thinking the same things you wrote here about how I would be better off, how I am strong, but i guarantee that you will break her forever (just like me) if you ever go through with it. If you can’t live on for you, live on for her.

          Posted on

        • Vibrant Communications

          Hello Nicole, I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. If you’re struggling with these tough emotions, please call us at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). The Lifeline is here for you if your struggling through hard times – 24/7/365. Feel free to pass along our phone number.

          Posted on

        • JourDan

          Please don’t do it. Because she would not be better without you. I personally know. We need our mothers more than anything in this world.

          Posted on

          • Vibrant Communications

            JourDan, thank you for participating in our community and supporting Karen.

            Posted on

        • nikki menning

          Karen,
          I hope you still with us. I would like to tell you all of the things I wish I could say to my mom. She committed suicide 4 years ago. Mom I miss you every day. Life isn’t easier without you. Oh my God I need you sometimes! No matter what has ever happened… Nothing can compare to you. Being loved by your birth mother cannot be replaced by anyone. Here i am a mother loving her own children feeling like I’m dying inside to be loved by you again for just a moment… Please God please I just need to hear her voice and smell her smell and feel her hug me one more time.
          So Karen if you are still here, please read the words i want to say to my mom and know that your daughter would miss you so.

          Posted on

      • Victoria

        My name is Victoria my mam hung herself. I’ve had my days like you .try to keep yourself busy .I drag myself out of bed every morning. Cry get it out .if you got children look at them my boys are heartbroken but we just go day by day .you need to talk message me

        Posted on

      • Helen

        I hope You are still around

        Posted on

    • Karla Barber

      Thank you for your story. I have to Google stories like yours when I’m feeling like I am right now. I have three children. And I never want them to feel this way. I just am tired of feeling this way to

      Posted on

      • You Matter

        Karly, Thank you for replying and sharing a bit about you. It sounds like you are exhausted and sometimes it can feel overwhelming. Please know we are here for you 24/7 at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) anytime you need to talk. Take care.

        Posted on

      • stephanie

        Karla – me too. two kids. I just don’t want to keep on damaging them like this. I am broken and isolated.

        Posted on

        • Vibrant Communications

          Hello Stephanie, It sounds like you are having a really difficult time right now. If you need a little extra emotional support, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). The call is free and confidential, and crisis workers are available 24/7 to assist you.

          Posted on

    • Victoria

      Thank you it’s hard. They say time it gets better it dont .my dad going after made me hard .I will never be the same I’ve gone hard .

      Posted on

    • Victoria

      We are in the same boat .I feel people you look at you .I feel I’ve got a label across my head .

      Posted on

    • Jamauri

      Hello,

      I dont mean to comment under your post but i could figure out how to work this page howver i wish to tell my story even though nobody may see it, My mother had a stroke around september of 2019 only to ultimately take her own life December 24, 2019. I cant even call it christmas eve anymore because now i feel that this time period is forever stained with this terrorbile memory. ive been struggling woith this ever since it happened and ive been dealing with it all alone. my father is about to remarry and none of my friends feel that i sttell needed help when i despereatly do. im not at the end of thetunnel and i feel as tho im just entering the worts part of it all. it seems no matter what i try everyone pushes me towards therapy or says that they cant imagine hbow i am feeling when rally i just want a hug

      Posted on

      • Sarah

        Hi Jamauri, I am sorry you didn’t get any reply to your comment. That sounds hard. I hope you ended up asking for hugs and found other ways to feel slightly better.

        Posted on

    • Eilidh

      I lost my mum 5 months ago in a similar way. Hanging from her friends stairway. I don’t think I’ll ever get that last image of her out my head. She battled with depression for around 16 years of my life with multiple overdoses. The worst I had feared had come true, I always feared the day something like this happened, I just hope she’s at peace mentally.

      Posted on

  • l

    Thank you for posting this.

    Posted on

  • jillian a

    Thank you for sharing, and I am sorry for your loss. 10 years ago my grandpa died by suicide and one of my best friends died 2 years ago the same way.

    It never gets easier, but reading other people who share that experience only helps.

    Posted on

  • Riana

    My mom committed suicide when I was 13. it has now been 20 years. Not a day goes by that I don’t run though it all in my mind. Stay strong Hun. It’s not easy and it will never be something that you get over. It’s a process and you will do grief rollercoasters forever. But remember the times when she was happy, the love you shared together and the dreams you know she had for you. Thank you for sharing your story and if you need suicide survivor buddy I would be happy to be there for you anytime.

    Posted on

    • You Matter

      Hello Riana,thank you for reaching out to us here at The Lifeline, our crisis counselors hare here for you any time day or night, every day of the year at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Don’t hesitate to call us! If you are more comfortable chatting online please use the private link below to chat with a Lifeline counselor. We want to help you. Your life matters! http://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/FBchatterms.aspx

      Posted on

      • Victoria

        My man took her own life same date as my nan died years before .I need somebody to talk to who is going through the same thing .I’ve tried counciling nothing works .November very low month.

        Posted on

  • Zach

    It’s been just over a week.
    I’m not sure what I’m doing or how I’m supposed to feel. I still don’t really feel anything. I want to cry sometimes but nothing happens. I think of her constantly, and when I catch myself having fun or not thinking of only her I instantly feel guilty.
    I’ve been told by others that it doesn’t get better as time goes on. I’m terrified for what the future holds.

    Posted on

    • You Matter

      If you are struggling with some tough emotions or feeling lonely, don’t hesitate to call the Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). We are here to listen!

      Posted on

    • Carol

      Hi Zach
      I’m just five years now since I lost my mum to suicide and I have to say I feel like you guilty if I laugh just for a moment then it all comes flooding back to me, how your feeling is the same as I did I think your mind just shuts down to process what as happened and is over whelmed with grief take care and stay safe

      Posted on

      • You Matter

        Carol, I am sorry to hear about your loss – this is such a difficult thing to go through. The Lifeline is here for you any time day or night, every day of the year at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Please don’t hesitate to call us! We’re here for you.

        Posted on

      • Laurel Booher

        Help I am having these thoughts. I have screwed everything up. Everyone will be better off once I’m gone

        Posted on

        • Vibrant Communications

          Hello Laurel I am sorry that you feel so sad to believe this. However your life matter and if you need emotional support, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK(8255). The call is free and confidential, and crisis workers are there 24/7 to assist you. The Lifeline is there for everyone. There is a chat available 24/7 at http://chat.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx and we will be here to support you.

          Posted on

    • Victoria

      Victoria foster my mum took her own life 2012 .my dad died 3 yrs later. It’s been 8 yrs coming up .I feel empty hard and label .her mother committed suicide.

      Posted on

  • katlyn

    June of 2017 it will be two years since my mother commited suicide. We had an estranged relationship for reasons that i thought were uncontrolable at the time.. But now i see things differently and wish that i had changed things before it were to late… I still am not sure how to deal with this situation. Never in my wildest dreams did i think that i would have to deal with a situation like this… and though everyones story is their own im just happy to know that my sisters and i arent the only ones out there dealing with ours. Thank you for sharing

    Posted on

    • KaTherine

      I am so sorry… I was also in estranged relationship when my mother committed suicide.

      Posted on

    • hope

      My mum took her life in January, overdose. was her third attempt.
      when my Dad died of cancer think part of her died too. she tried then too.
      causing a lot of family break downs, arguments within siblings which caused divides,
      i could take no more 2 years ago after honestly trying to help them all i was getting knowhere and it was starting to damage me. i walked away with my kids and one sister to try be good parents to our kids.
      now shes gone. i wish i could tell her how sorry i am and how much i really did love her just couldnt have my children around constant fights and drama…she reached out before xmas i never responded. i was hurt. no way i thought she would do this not then. i dont kno how ill ever live with this. funny how u see everything so different when its tool late. my heart goes out to you. this is a huge one so no pressure on any of us…one day at a time <3

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      • Vibrant Communications

        Hello Hope, Thank you for reaching out to our community here and sharing your story. It sounds like you have been through a lot and I am sorry to hear about the loss of parents. Remember that the Lifeline is here for you, 24/7/365 at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

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        • nikki menning

          Karen,
          I hope you still with us. I would like to tell you all of the things I wish I could say to my mom. She committed suicide 4 years ago. Mom I miss you every day. Life isn’t easier without you. Oh my God I need you sometimes! No matter what has ever happened… Nothing can compare to you. Being loved by your birth mother cannot be replaced by anyone. Here i am a mother loving her own children feeling like I’m dying inside to be loved by you again for just a moment… Please God please I just need to hear her voice and smell her smell and feel her hug me one more time.
          So Karen if you are still here, please read the words i want to say to my mom and know that your daughter would miss you so.

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    • Jennifer Talbot

      I feel like I have been dead for the past 6 years. My daughters dad made them choose and they all left me, and my heart is so broken and rejected that I still don’t feel like I will ever get better, and they want to put me in jail for child support. That is why I am researching this. Sad but alot of parents kill themselves over the thought of losing their freedom, and being forced into slave labor. I just have one daughter left and she is not ready to lose me, but if they put me in jail, I will not be coming home, I already know I will be dead in a few weeks. I wish my older girls loved me. They would still rather not have me than make their dad upset.

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      • Vibrant Communications

        Hi Jennifer, We’re so sorry for all the struggles you are going through and we want to help. It sounds like you are having a really difficult time coping. If you need a little extra emotional support, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255). The call is free and confidential, and crisis workers are there 24/7 to assist you.

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  • Steve Cash

    I’m only three weeks from the day that my mother took her own life with a pistol in her mouth. Just over twelve years ago I was hurting from my stepfather who put a shotgun to his head. It never makes sense, and you can blame yourself all you want. But, truth be told, you were doubtfully the last thought that they had as they made the final decision… Life goes on. There will be birthdays, Christmas’s and Thanksgiving Dinners that your deceased relatives won’t attend, and many more after that. Life is all about birth, experience and death.

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    • You Matter

      We are so sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. Please call the Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) and our crisis counselors should be able to direct you to support services in your area.

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  • Kelly Gibbons

    It’s been about 6 months since my mom hung herself. It’s so tough. It’s tough to watch my dad dwindle down to nothing. I took a LOA from work to focus on myself and my mental health. Seeing a therapist, MD, going to support groups and trying to get better. I know things will never be the same but I’m working on my guilt and feeling this is my fault somehow. I know it’s not rationally, it’s hard to feel that way though. I don’t know if it gets better…..but we all deserve to be happy and live wonderful lives. Hugs.

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    • You Matter

      We are so sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. It sounds like you’re going through a lot right now – remember, the Lifeline is here for you any time day or night, every day of the year at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Don’t hesitate to call us, your life matters!

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    • Victoria Foster

      Dont feel guilty it’s an illness. I feel for you I wake 3.30 every morning I dont now why .people are ignorant about suicide. You can fix are broken leg but not the mind .my dad died 3 yrs after he had cancer .but whith a suicide there is no answers and it’s hard you but the face on nobody nows what’s behind that make up.

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  • Lisa

    My mother committed suicide when I was 13 months old. I didn’t find out the truth of how she died until I was 14, my father told me. She shot herself in the head. I didn’t think of it much back then but as I get older, I get more upset because my 2 sons do not have their grandmother. My father never had any other children and is divorced. I’m 31 now with no brothers or sisters. I just feel like I haven’t gotten the answers I’ve been searching for and my father doesn’t ever talk about it anymore. I stopped visiting her grave because I feel angry about it. Not sure if I’m being selfish now ????

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    • You Matter

      We are so sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. If you are struggling with some tough emotions or feeling lonely, don’t hesitate to call the Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) and our crisis counselors should be able to direct you to support services in your area.Our crisis counselors are here for you any time day or night, every day of the year at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

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    • al

      You sound very selfish.

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      • You Matter

        Please seriously consider the recommendations, research and how potentially harmful your comment could be. To prevent further harm to others, we recommend that you either change your comment message. Thank you.

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      • L

        No judgement in how someone shares their loss in suicide plse

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        • You Matter

          We are very sorry for your loss. You are so right. Everyone grieves in their own way.

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    • M

      You are not selfish at all. Grieving is hard, its unpredictable and being angry is normal you shouldn’t feel guilty because of what you feel. Take it in, take a deep breath and take one step at a time. It gets better.

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    • Jennifer Talbot

      No, not selfish, you wish your son had his grandma, that is putting your child first, I wish my daughter would put hers first and let her kids have a grandma before it is too late. I never understood postpartum depression because I was so excited to watch them grow. I am just glad everyone here seems to feel their parents pain was severe and they aren’t judging. The parents I know that are committing suicide every day are the victims of family court. Being taken from their kids and expected to carry on and not have enough money to survive on, they are giving up before facing jail time for contempt. I wish I had the guts. No human should have to be in a cage for disobeying the laws, too many people are dying because our government only cares about money .
      You are very strong. Your son is lucky to have you.

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    • Lisa

      No no no you are not selfish at all. You are putting your focus on the living and being a wonderful mother to those two sons of yours. Your mother made a choice and missed out on seeing what a beautiful person you have become. You go ahead and live your life and enjoy every single day with your children.

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  • Jillian b

    Thank you for sharing your story and it really hit close to home for me because my mom shot herself 4 years ago. Even though it’s been 4 years sometimes I feels like it was yesterday and other times 10 years ago, and I still feel like I’m living on a emotional roller coaster somedays. It has changed me too forever and my family as well, but we have realized that life must go on .

    It’s been even harder for me to cope because I was living with my mom at the time and she and I were best friends, so it felt like I lost an arm or something. The most difficult thing for me is that i got in a huge fight with my mom the day before she died and we never talked again. I believe that she isn’t mad at me anymore but it’s hard for me to get over the guilt especially since I can replay that day in my head over and over again. Even though this whole situation has been horrific I’ve been able to find some healing through a great therapist, supportive dad and brother, friends, and being in college , but I still have those days. I pray for everyone who can relate to losing a loved one to suicide and that they are eventually able to move on.

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    • You Matter

      Thank you for reaching out to our community and sharing your story Jillian. We’re glad you have an amazing support group. If you or anyone needs some extra support, we’re here too. 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

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    • Michelle

      Thanks for sharing. I too was best friends with my mom…but in a terrible fight prior to her taking her life. It’s a terrible thing to endure.

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      • You Matter

        Michelle, I am so sorry to hear of your loss and the difficult time you’re going through – if you are struggling with this don’t hesitate to call us any time day or night at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). The Lifeline is free, confidential, and here for anyone having a hard time.

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    • Amy Bee

      I fought with my mum too and replay it in my mind constantly I miss her so much 🙁

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      • You Matter

        Amy Bee, we appreciate you participating in our community and supporting others and we offer our sincere condolences on your loss. Please don’t hesitate to call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK whenever you need support for yourself. The call is free and confidential, and crisis workers are there 24/7 to assist you. Take care.

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  • Melanie Daniels

    My mother died by suicide the day before Thanksgiving (a little over a month ago). She shot herself in the chest with a rifle by attaching a long kitchen fork with electrical tape to pull the trigger. My dad found her after he got home from work. They had been married 37 years.

    I keep waking up hating my reality. My mother was one of my best friends. I asked her two weeks beforehand if we was going to hurt herself and she looked at me and my other sister in disbelief and said “why would you say that”. She had been progressively getting worse since September believing she had illnesses that she didn’t have. She turned into a hypercondriac…pair that with her seasonal depression and it was the perfect storm.

    She had never broken a bone and feared death so much. She kept saying she was fighting to live (from these imaginary diseases). We knew it was her depression creeping back up again so we got her into therapy, got her anti-depressants, participated in her doctors appointments. It just feels like it should have been enough. Our love should have been enough to keep her here and it wasn’t. I know she loved me and vice versa. I know she didn’t do this to hurt us because she truly believe she was dying. I just can’t get past why our love wasn’t enough to snap her out of it. We looked through the search history on her smartphone. Up until that morning, everyday she looked up how to beat these diseases and how to improve her positive thinking. There was a self-help positive thinking book in her room 1/2 read also. That morning, she must have snapped and looked up how to kill herself. Why didn’t she just call me? anyone? drive herself to the ER? This hurts so much.

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    • You Matter

      Melanie Daniels: I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your Mom. If you are struggling with these tough emotions please call us at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). The Lifeline is here for you, your sister, or anyone struggling through hard times – 24/7/365

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      • Sarah ferguson

        My mother killed herself on the 8th of this month. I’m still trying to grasp it. She was loosing her mind in the weeks before. Like your mom she was seeing doctors and on medicine and you would think that with me and her 3 grand babies it would have been enough. Unfortunately my mother wasn’t strong enough to battle the fight inside of herself. It had nothing to do with me or us. My mother went walking in below zero temperatures and overdosed on a variety of pills chased with rum. She was a recovering alcoholic of 20 years. None of us knew she was so depressed. It’s so hard to understand how or why. My mother froze to death. She hated the cold. I miss her so bad but I am glad that those things that plagued her for so long can no longer hurt her. I miss her, we talked daily. Now we talk differently. Hope this helps

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        • You Matter

          I am so sorry to hear about your mother. You and your family are in our thoughts. If you are struggling with these tough emotions please call us at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). The Lifeline is here for you, your friend, or anyone struggling through hard times – 24/7/365.

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  • Chance foster

    I lost my mom when I was 15 and she did the same thing. I’m sorry for the reasons you know all to well. A mom is the greatest thing in the whole wide world and I miss her more and more everyday. I lost my best friend in the whole wide world 4 short months right after this happened in what was the few short months that shaped me into a man by the age of 15. 3 years ago and I still remember it so vividly and accurately. The rage I felt inside when she did it and hurt is completely in its own category. It’s something you just never forget.

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    • You Matter

      Chance, Thank you for sharing your story. If you ever need to talk, please know that Lifeline is here for you 24/7 at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). The call is free and confidential.

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  • Izak

    I lost my mom Oct 13, 2017 to suicide. She suffocated herself with a black garbage bag around her neck and took a helium gas tank and ran a pipe into the plastic bag to complete the job successful. She left notes saying that she took her own life the previous night already at 9 pm and I only discovered her body the next morning. She loced herself in her room and the police had to kick the door open to get access to the room. I then saw her on the chair sitting straight with her feet on the bed with the black plastic bag over her head and her hand still on the gas bottle. It hurts like hell to see your mother like that knowing that this was the woman you loved the most and she was the person who gave birth to you and who you could trust with your whole life. It is now basicaly 4 months since she passed and a roller coaster journey. You get good days and bad days. I can not help wondering what my mom must have felt when she took this big step in ending her life. I am 39 now but the pain is still unbearable and just knowing that I will never see her in this life again is a nightmare. Will it ever get better again ? Would do anything just to give her a big hug and tell her how much I loved her. Her death is the worst loss and pain I ever had to handle. I do not wish this on anyone. Thank you for listening.

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    • You Matter

      We are so sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. Please call the Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) and our crisis counselors should be able to direct you to support services in your area.

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  • Kevin Toliver-Lyons

    My mother committed suicide march of 2014…a little over a week after her birthday. She was a diabetic. She filled up a syringe with insulin and turned the thermostat up to 100 degrees……I’m still in shock. I’m starting a charity for survivors…..Susan D. Lyons Foundation for hope……I don’t know what else to do. My thought is helping others will help me.

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    • You Matter

      Hello Kevin, I am so sorry to hear about your mother. Thank you for sharing with us about your charity, Susan D. Lyons Foundation. Have you reached out to 211 in your area? Perhaps they can link you to local resources to help you with your charity? Also, if you ever need somebody to talk to, we are here 24/7, at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

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  • Yasmin Holbert

    It helps in a way to read others stories. It’s hard for others who haven’t gone through this to really understand how I feel. My mother went missing on Good Friday a little over a week ago. She was staying with family. One morning she just left her purse and her phone, things she’d never be without and become frantic if she misplaced. She drove her car out into the country and parked her car near the Kings River in California. Her car was found with the keys inside, another item she would always keep nearby. A witness told detectives they saw her cross the road away from the river but I fear the worst. She has still not been found over a week and a half now. Detectives have searched the area and river but have found nothing. They said her phone history showed extensive research on suicide since April 9. That’s the day she texted me she loved me, but I was busy and didn’t text back until the next day. I never heard back and I never called her back. I live in Texas, had moved out here in December after my mom had started to evict me and my kids and husband. It was about the 5th time in the past 7 years we had moved in with her to try and help her with her emotional, mental, and financial issues and since 2015 with the death of my dad from cancer. I’m an only child and have always been attached to my mom in an unhealthy way because she was always very controlling and overprotective. She was a good mother too in that she was loving and giving and funny and great with people in a no nonsense way. I looked up to her but was frustrated with her sheltering me and making me feel responsible for her happiness and not being able to fully follow my dreams. After decades, I’m 36 now. I finally cut contact with her and moved to Texas. We were on horrible terms before I moved. I had fought for months to try and get her counseling and help. She resisted, she accepted, she resisted.
    She became mean and ugly to me and i to her. We continued to live together but rarely spoke. I felt helpless, angry, lonely, and sad for steadily losing my mother to her anxiety, depression, loneliness, fear, and now unbelievably not wanting me anymore. For several months after leaving I didn’t speak to her. In January she called my phone countless times begging and pleading to talk to me and asking for forgiveness. I was angry and hurt but wanted to call her back but faught the urge to. My heart softened and We did text several times before she went missing. I tried calling her a couple of times but she wouldn’t answer only texted back she loved me. My cousin said my mom told her she didn’t want to burden me. I feel guilty for not trying harder. I tried so hard all the years and months before, but when I finally abandoned her and gave up this awful thing has now happened. My mom was always afraid of trying new things and being in danger or getting hurt or sick. I remember one evening last summer I persuaded her to go for a walk with me to the river. I tried and tried to get her to climb down a slightly steep embankment to be able to come down and wade with me in the water. She was too scared and wouldn’t do it. I just can’t imagine that now she actually drowned herself in a river. The thought is heartbreaking and unbearable. At least the initial shock and desperation of this possibility has tamed a bit in me but I still have a mix of emotions in me that make it hard to cope. It’s hard not knowing for sure what has happened. She still hasn’t been found. Just about everything I see, touch, taste, and smell reminds me of her and stirs the regret and grief I feel inside. I’ve already had to mourn the loss of my mother to depression,
    to thinking she didn’t want anything to do with me anymore, and now that she is missing and possibly dead by suicide. I never thought it would come to this and would give anything to go back in time and try to do things differently, but the pain of knowing this is impossible is sharp. I just keep praying for peace for her soul, and for my heart and mind, and for the wisdom to make better decisions the rest of my life. And most of all for the strength to act in Love above all else. It’s all so hard. This life and world is raw both in beauty and ugliness, but I have faith that it’s not the end. We just have to live as best we can while we are here, many if us with the sorrows of life on our back and often heavy on our heart. It helps in a bitter sweet way to remember the happy times with my mom, the goodness in her, her smile. She became afflicted due to the hurt that had been planted in her somewhere in her life and wasn’t able to heal from , and it’s hard to think of her suffering, but it is what it is that’s life. All I can do is try to keep on in a way that is healing by following my heart and the Lord. I hope my story helps in some way.

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    • You Matter

      Yasmin, we are so so sorry about your mother dear. We can not imagine the pain you must feel. Our crisis counselors are here for you any time day or night, at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Whenever you are ready to talk, we are here for you Yasmin and your family.

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  • AS

    My mom committed suicide by hanging her self in her bathroom on April 29, 2017. The one thing I keep telling God is that I never want to stop crying for her. I never want to forget her. I’m the out of sight, out of mind type. I just pray her soul is at peace and she is finally happy. That’s all I ever wanted for her. My last interaction with her was me picking a fight and having it blow out of proportions and now all I can ever think about it is how she would still be here if I didn’t act like such a B. Reading the comments section has made me cry and made feel better because I know these feelings I have are normal. I think life will be really tough going forward without her in my life. She’ll be missing out on my brothers college graduation in December, my wedding (if I’m even going to go through with it now) in 2018 and my future children. She already missed out wedding dress shopping this past Saturday. I really wish she was there. I’m just thankful I have really good friends who care about me and are forcing me to do things (like wedding dress shopping) that honestly, I don’t think I would’ve wanted to do. It’s been two weeks since my sweet mothers death and it somehow feels like it happened yesterday and years ago at the same time. I’m sending prayers to everyone going through the same thing as me.

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    • You Matter

      Hello AS, We are so very sorry for the loss of your mother. As you mentioned, never forget her, remember her fondly, and know she is with you as you and your family celebrate milestones. We are glad to know that reading some of the comments has brought you comfort. If there ever is a time when you need to talk, please do not hesitate to call Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). We are here for you 24/7/365.

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      • Ashley

        AS, I’m so sorry about the loss of your mom. I’m literally going through the same thing. My mom hung herself from the staircase in her room, and my 20 year old sister found her. I was in the same situation as you, not on good terms with her. We were fighting and our lasts words will live me me forever. Just know we are not alone in this and there is a lot of support. Again, I’m so sorry for your loss. In my situation, I know my mother is at peace. We need to use our stories to help others and prevent this from happening to anyone else.

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  • Georgia

    I lost my mother when I was 12, it tore me apart, I never understood what depression was until after it happened. My first thought when I found out was ‘I need to go and see her, check if she is ok’. It still hurts terribly to this day and I still feel like I could have done something.

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    • You Matter

      Georgia: We are very sorry about the lost of your mother, it is a one of the kind experiences at a tender age, such a difficult thing to go through. The Lifeline is here for you any time day or night, every day of the year at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Please don’t hesitate to call us! Your life Matters!

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  • Melinda

    Weird how grief sneaks out of nowhere and punches you in the throat… I just heard You are My Sunshine in a commercial and just remembering my Mom singing it to me as a kid sent tears streaming down my face. Next month it will be 5 years since she shot herself, the guilt and missing still takes my breath away. I’m not even sure why I Googled ‘my Mom shot herself’ just now as I sit here sobbing, but it made me feel better to find this site and be reminded I’m not alone in my suffering. Thank you all for sharing, for being here, for understanding what well meaning friends just can’t grasp. Much love to you all.

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    • You Matter

      Melinda: we are so sorry for your loss. It does not matter how long it has been, it is always painful. We are here for you for support, your Life Matters! 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

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    • AddiE

      You reminded me of that very happy memory of my mom singing that to me. Thank you. I was hoping for some sign when I was scrolling her page or googling anything related to what I went through. I’m really sorry to hear about your story beautiful soul and I hope you’re doing okay and are surrounded with lots of love! Difficult roads lead to beautiful destinations, I hope you can believe that.

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  • Sad daughter

    It has been three years for me my mother mixed a bunch of pills and killed herself! I found her at 11 on march the 11th she lived with me at the time we got into a huge fight the night before and didn’t speak that morning when I left it don’t get easier it gets harder I feel guilty,anger,sad,and many other thing sometimes I don’t feel nothing at all I have blocked out everyone I don’t like talking about it and I shut everyone out and my family does not even realize how much it still effects me and my whole life it seems like my brother and sisters have just moved on and after the first few months if I brought it up I just got told basically to get over it then if I started crying I was told I use it for sympathy so it’s no use now I just try not to feel nothing from anyone just shut it all out but like my fiance says Its not like I was a kids when it happened I was 27 years old I’m now 30 with three kids of my own she made her decision

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    • You Matter

      Hello Sad Daughter: Thanks for sharing your story with us, that was a tragedy. if you feel that you need some support please do not hesitate to call us at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), we are here 24/7. Your life matters!

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  • Angie

    Thank you for sharing your story. My mom shot herself 8 years ago. The first 2 years were the worst. I was so angry and hurt, I couldn’t function. I almost lost everything. I still cycle through the emotions of grief. I think of her daily, and miss her so much that sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe. Coping has gotten easier, and I am able to talk about it and her now. I am a teacher, and have been able to share my story with 3 students over the last few years to help them cope with their own tragedies. I pray that God lays his healing hands on everyone who has to go through this in their life.

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    • You Matter

      Angie, We are so sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. Thank you for sharing your story of how you’ve been able to strengthen others. Whenever you need support for dealing with emotions related to this, the Lifeline is here for you at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Take care.

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  • Ashley

    I just lost my mom 2 weeks ago. My 20 year old sister found her hanging from the staircase. We were fighting and not on good terms. I feel so angry, sad, and lost. As a mother myself of 2, I just can’t imagine leaving in that way. I just don’t know how to deal with this.

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    • You Matter

      Ashley, We are so very sorry for the loss of your mother. We know you must be overwhelmed with grief and sadness. Please call us anytime at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) to talk. We are here for you!

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  • Krystal

    I lost my father to suicide over 17 years ago, when I was 12. It was and still is the hardest thing I have ever endured. My heart still hearts everyday when I look into my daughters eyes and know they will never get to know what an amazing man he was. I just wish I could tell him I love him 1 more time!

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    • You Matter

      Krystal, If you ever need to talk, the Lifeline is always here for you! Call anytime: 1-800-273-TALK

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  • Kyla

    My mom hung herself this last month…she texted me her suicide note. She had cried wolf so many times that I couldn’t handle talking her down again so I just called the police. They said they don’t think she meant to go through with it. I’m 22…

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    • You Matter

      Kyla, we are so sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. Please call the Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) and our crisis counselors should be able to direct you to support services in your area.

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    • Jacob

      My mom committed suicide a little over a week ago. I’m the one who found her, I’m 22. This might be weird to say, I’m trying my best to reach out, to find people to talk to, to try to find someone going through what I’m going through. Trying to work through this.

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      • Rudy

        I wouldn’t mind. [email protected]

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      • Christy

        Hi Jacob. I was 22 when my mom killed herself, and I was the one who found her. That was 13 years ago, today. I’m googling because it helps, to not feel so alone. Your comments hit my in the heart. Reach out if you ver feel the need. You are NOT alone.

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        • You Matter

          Christy, We are so very sorry for the loss of your mother. We also appreciate the warm and kind message you left for Jacob. If you ever need to talk, we are here for you at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

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  • Malissa

    It’s been 4 months now. I am still haunted by the nightmares and I feel like I will never be the same person again. My mom never drank, but committed suicide by alcohol poisoning and prescription drug overdose. I walked into her apartment and found her face down, dead. Her face was bruised and swollen beyond recognition. Her hands were blue. I’ll never stop seeing it. The day before, she had overheard her husband and I discussing some concerns about her behaviors and later I went to talk to her about our concerns that her meds were off. She didn’t want to hear it. I walked away saying I refused to listen to her self-pity today. Insisting she needed to see a doctor. I found a letter for her husband and a partial letter written to me. Both quite angry. She killed herself that night. I knew I should have checked back on her but I was just exhausted by her behavior and years of dealing with her mental health issues and suicide threats. Now I live with the guilt of getting tired and letting her down.

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  • Jacob

    My mom committed suicide a little over a week ago by taking a bottle full of pills on Sunday (8/20/2017). I found her that day and she was then taken to the hospital. She was declared brain dead… unconscious. 4 days later, on Thursday (8/24/2017) she was taken off life support and passed away. I’m honestly not sure how anyone moves forward in life like this. I’m honestly not sure I’m going to move forward in life like this. I’m not really sure why I’m posting this here. I’m just trying anything I can to reach out, and hopefully feel a little better. Feel a little less dead on the inside.

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    • You Matter

      Jacob, I am sorry to hear about the loss of your mother – this is such a difficult thing to go through. The Lifeline is here for you any time day or night, every day of the year at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Please don’t hesitate to call us!

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    • Vanessa Temple

      Jacob, I know you posted your comment last year but I wanted to reach out to you. In August of 2014, my father died of a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head, and 10 days later my uncle died by carbon monoxide poisoning after running a hose from the exhaust pipe of his 1984 Cadillac El Dorado to the driver’s side window and letting it run inside his closed garage. So, I understand what you’re going through, to say the least. If you need someone to talk to, my email address is [email protected]
      Don’t hesitate to drop me a line.

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  • Overtrying

    I still remember waking up to my sisters screams on September 29th 1996 when they found my mom in her bed, and I didn’t cry about it the first time until 15 years later. I was 15 then, and 36 now. Ever since I started crying over it I haven’t been able to stop. Everything I have accumulated in my life now equates to four large duffle bags worth of space. My career in nuclear engineering is useless to me because I can’t stop putting needles in my veins. I wish I could go back to where I was the person everyone wanted to be around because they could lean on me and nothing ever bothered me. The only thing keeping me alive is the hatred for what she did to me and my sisters and the refusal to become her. But God I wait for the day when I can identify strength in her actions and follow suit because everyday I wake up is the new worst day of my life

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    • You Matter

      Overtrying, We are so very sorry for the loss of your mother. This has been a very heartbreaking and traumatic loss for you and your family. It sounds like you have been struggling over the years and not coping very well at times. Please give us a call at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). We are here for you 24/7.

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  • AllannA

    I am 13, my mom had bipolar. She went manic when I was 8 and never got better. When I was 11 I lived with my grandparents. The summer I turned 12 I went back to live with my mom, things happened and my grandma came from California while my mom was in the mental hospital in Austin (2.5 hours away) while my grandma was there we decided I would move back to California with her, we moved February 26th. October 30th my mom committed suicide we found out the 31st, I came home from school and found out. It still feels surreal, it has been almost one week and it is really hard
    ~Allanna November 5th 2017

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    • You Matter

      AllannA, We are so very sorry for the heartbreaking and shocking loss of your mother. Our hearts go out to you and your family. The feelings must be overwhelming for you at this time. Please call us and we can talk any time — day or night! Please call us at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

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  • Sarah

    I Googled my mother committed suicide because I am a mother who has to fight daily not to commit suicide. I stumbled on this page. I don’t know that this will be helpful and I want you all to know that your posts have really helped me. When you are young, life offers so much and the strain of life is easier to handle. The years add on such heavy weights Over time things can break the brain down, much like a kidney or the heart. I was on top of the world when I was 19 years old. I couldn’t wait to meet a man and have children. I had the most wonderful childhood. So when I met my husband, I was so excited. I was very naive to the world and my husband was a seriously damaged person. He was molested as a child and his family was pretty broken. I thought I could help him by giving him a safe place with me. It doesn’t work that way. The man mentally and physically abused me through passive aggressive behavior and finally physical abuse. I didn’t know what passive aggressiveness disorder was until recently. I felt absolutely crazy every day. Always walking on eggshells never knowing if he’d snap. I mean off the charts someone please help me I’m drowning crazy. Years ago I almost drove my car into a wall to make it stop but I managed to stop myself. At some point I just turned the emotions off completely Apparently there is a mechanism that lets you do that. Don’t ever do it. Let the pain happen, the other side is worse. So now I don’t have the chemicals for my brain to function because I am in flight mode and stuck there. It’s a living hell. PTSD, depression, anxiety, insomnia. Through all of this I am expected to work and put on a show for the world that all is fine. I want you all to know that what happened with your parents did not have anything to do with you. Someone somewhere hurt them so badly that they couldn’t get out of the hell in their brain. Much like what you are experiencing now in your grief, you can’t understand it until you’ve lived it. It’s a pain you don’t know exists until it happens to you I wake up feeling so hollow and so exhausted and I desperately want to feel better and I can’t. I went to therapy, I took medication, the medication pushed me even closer to suicide. My brain started to feel like it was being attacked by everything people said. If my boss said you did a nice job I thought she was just saying that and that she was lying because she was out to get me to fire me. I have stopped taking the medication but am still trapped in this brain. Parents are just people. They are born with mental illness, abused as children, raped by parents, beaten by boyfriends, abused by spouses, consumed by alcohol, and some tried drugs just once and got hooked, for some that’s all it takes. None of that and I mean none of that is your fault. After reading your posts I am reminded that at 230 AM even though I can’t sleep and feel crazy and am expected to go to work tomorrow, I have to continue to fight my brain and what it tells me to do all the time. It’s weird when your brain stops working as a part of your body and takes on its own power but it does. I am living it. I miss the life I once had. Sadly there seems to be no way to fix a brain once it’s been damaged by years of abuse. Fighting depression and suicide is my daily struggle I will continue to fight thanks to these posts and I think continue to read your posts daily as a reminder. Pick your spouse carefully, walk away from abuse and don’t let what your parents felt they had to do to escape the agony become your guilt. That path will lead you to where they ended up mentally. You don’t want to be there. Keep feeling, cry out the hurt, don’t ever shut down. Your parents experienced a trauma at some point that was so damaging, they were literally driven to craziness. Blame the person who damaged them, not yourself.

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    • You Matter

      Sarah, Thank you for sharing your story and struggles. We are glad that you visited our page and found it helpful in your time of need. It sounds like you are dealing with some pretty heavy feelings still and we want to be there for you any time you need to talk, anytime you need an ear. Call us at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Call us day or night!

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    • KaTherine

      Dear Sarah,
      Thank you for sharing. It was very helpful for me to read. Xo

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    • Lisa

      Please email me @ [email protected]. I sound just like you and would love someone to just listen and maybe get it. Hugs…

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      • Vibrant Communications

        Thank you for reaching out to us – please keep in mind our Facebook page is not intended for crisis intervention or support services however the Lifeline counselors are here for you any time day or night at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). They should be able to assist you with any questions or concerns you may have.

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      • Vibrant Communications

        Thank you for reaching out to our community and encouraging others! Don’t hesitate to call the Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) if you ever need extra support. The call is free and confidential and counselors are available 24/7.

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  • Rue

    I am a mother who suffers from depression. I have my whole life. I can’t remember my first thought of suicide, but it seems like it’s always been there. I thought getting married would help. I have a beautiful daughter, she’s so amazing. But the darkness is still a part of me- it’s no ones fault it’s iust the way it is. My baby is 8. I’m still married. I have a beautiful home, a beautiful life, I am blessed. But the darkness lives inside of me and I can’t always escape it. I came here in a moment of weakness, I fight off feelings of suicide- they come and go- it’s amazing how beautiful I think life is yet how much I still feel like opting out. I read your stories- so many of you blame yourself and search for answers… I wanted to say there isn’t always an answer. Depression is one hell of a disease… and I want you to know that for so many of you- the reason your mothers were able to hold on for so long was simply for you- because of you. Maybe they pushed the fights you got into, maybe they pushed you away only to make it easier for you because they knew they had to escape- and they thought it would make it easier. I’m still here, I’m still fighting but it’s so hard sometimes. Know that your mothers loved you- their demons were there before you and you were the lights that kept them at bay for so long. Your mom would want you to find the light that they couldn’t ♥️

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    • You Matter

      Rue, it sounds depression has impacted you for a very long time now and you are still fighting. We are so appreciative that through your experiences you are able to help and encourage others to get help and keep fighting too. Thank you so much for taking the time to leave this comment. Any time you need to talk, we are here for you at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

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  • Mamasan

    I too went on Google and typed in “My Mother committed suicide” because I want to know what will become of my precious 8 year old Son. I read that he is 3x more likely to commit suicide. The data is not good. For 3 days I have been writing my suicide note that he can only read or rather it can only be given to him upon graduating from college and after he’s traveled around the world for a year and of course no one is allowed to tell him that his mother committed suicide until he reads this letter.

    I have a college degree and I live in Santa Monica and I have no desire to live. I honestly can say that I believe my Son is better off with a dead mother than a mother who is a basket case living in a mediocre place, who will have her beauty fade, doesn’t quite fit into a particular community, doesn’t have a significant other even though from the outside everyone thinks I would, was laid off a year ago and there’s not a job that interests me, my family is scattered across the US, my mother has the money to fund me getting my masters, but flat out said she has no interest in helping me.

    So I simply don’t see how as my Son gets older how he’s not going to find me to be an embarassment, a failure and one will inevitably get by on some form of dismal financial means and quite frankly I would rather not.

    I give, at best, myself about 6-9 months if that then I truly think I’m done. I know this sounds irrational, but I’m so tired of thinking and talking to myself. The anxiety, the tears, the amount of time I spend alone and it’s such a contradiction because I’m always hearing how nice or pretty I am. If they only knew how sad I am. How angry I am. How I just want someone to love me. I’m so tired of being alone.

    But then there’s my beautiful Son. His eyes so full of hope. They really are and I have already hurt him so much. I’ve disappointed him before the holidays hen he saw me crying and I had to pretend it was about a friend being sick. I haven’t seen him in a while and it’s because he thinks I have the flu. I just have to get through this week and then I’ll be ok. My mother tells me to quit being dramatic. Find a church she says.

    If I didn’t have a Son I would already be asleep. I don’t even think about how really. I imagine more falling victim to a disease or being in a car accident, so I can’t be blamed.

    I’m sorry to all of those in pain, but I’m in pain too. It’s so hard to feel sad all the time.

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    • You Matter

      Mamasan, After reading your comment we can tell that you have a lot of pain that you live with daily. We know you love your son and are also very concerned about him should something happen to you. We want to talk to you more about this — please call us at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Please stay safe, Mamasan.

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    • GIGI

      Rue – Your words are the only thing that have brought me the slightest bit of comfort in as long as I can remember. My mother took her life on August 11, 1999 when I was 21. I have been broken ever since… the guilt I feel for not saving my best friend, but also not understanding why I wasn’t enough to keep her here. Both are neverending 20 years later, even with two wonderful children of my own.

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  • JA

    My mom hung herself in November, 2017. We’ve been strained the last few years. Over the years I’ve asked her to go to counseling. She would get offended and deny anything was wrong. Being around her was so difficult. She just wanted to talk about surface issues, would laugh at inappropriate times, become angry without warning, and her hands would slightly shake. She always denied anything was wrong. I’ve been working on just loving her just the way she was and things seemed to be getting better the last few months.

    When my dad called to tell me she died, I realized how deep and isolated her pain made her. If I felt like it was unbearable to be around her, I now know she found herself unbearable. Being near her was like getting sucked into a black hole that she denied even existed. It super sucks to even write that last sentence.

    We think she’d been planning her suicide the last year. In hindsight, many of her comments have much different meanings. She refused help. She refused to tell anyone how she really felt. What really sucks for me is that I’m in my late 30s and I’ve been a psychotherapist the last 4 years. How could my own mom not tell me how she was really feeing??

    Thank you to all the others posting. I talk all day with people contemplating suicide. And they have no idea that I just lost my mother due to her ending her own life. When I tell my clients that their children will never be the same and always miss them, I speak from my own heart. If you are a parent- The best gift you can give your children is to take care of yourself. Please try. I know it’s uncomfortable and scary. But please try…

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    • You Matter

      JA, Please accept our sincerest condolences for the loss of your mother. It’s so difficult and hard to understand sometimes why our loved ones who have committed suicide could not tell us about their pain. We appreciate your support for others and for sharing your experience. We are here for you anytime you need to talk at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

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      • Britt michaud

        Hi—how can I connect with Lacey on fb or instagram? Britt Michaud is my Facebook and brittstagram_ is my Instagram. We share a very similar experience, thank you.

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  • Unsure daughter

    My mother was a bipolar alcoholic who hung herself in my basemant on feburary 24, 2018. I am away at college when I got the call that she was gone. She did not leave a note and I am not sure if that makes it better or worse in terms of trying to undertsand. On one side of it , I believe that her suicide may be due to the combination of heavy perscriptions and alcohol. On the other, maybe she just could not hadle battling not only bipolar, but also alcoholism. I find myself angry, heartbroken, shattered, and unsure of how to continue on the rest of my life as if my heart hasnt been ripped out of my chest. I think about it constantly. I know she was a sick lady, i know she loved me, and I know she is at peace now. But somehow this knowledge doesnt quite the unbareable grief I feel. Sleeping has become hard. My father, sister, and I are just shells, trying to somehow move on from something that seems like will forever be on our minds. This page has made me feel like I am not alone. But my chest still hurts.

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    • You Matter

      Unsure Daughter: We are so sorry for your loss and please accept our deepest condolences. You are not alone, we are here for you any time. It is ok not to be ok, however, understanding will come with time. Grief is different in each person, so take your time to grieve and there is not time limit on that either. If you need some support, please call us at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), your life matters!

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    • Britt Michaud

      Same situation here. Lets connect, britt michaud, ct on facebook. ??

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  • Paula Mele

    Ive been emotionally and physically abused by my son for many years. He is getting married soon, out of our house but not our lives. My husband stands by and endorses his behavior toward me. I have planned out my end for months now. You can not tell me my life matters when it doesn’t.

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    • You Matter

      Paula Mele- We are very sorry about what is happening in your family. No human deserves to be abused. No matter how hard things are- hurting yourself is never the answer. The Lifeline is here for you any time day or night at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Don’t hesitate to call us for extra support.

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    • Suzanne

      In response to Paula M

      I have a similar experience to yours. I have three children each of whom has been groomed, praised, rewarded and adored for treating me horribly. I’ve been beaten up by one of them (twice); the second time resulted in a suicide attempt by me. After that, I was prevented from seeing my youngest, who was just a 6 year-old at the time, with a father who had run out on them for his very wealthy college sweetheart–and unbeknownst to her, the chap has a conviction for assault on me, conveniently hidden from sight via the courts. I was not permitted to even show this to a judge in a court of law–sealed means sealed. So I was told.

      My oldest did everything she could to make sure I lost my two youngest. Her own father had been gone since was 2 years old, and I guess she really believed I was cruel for having children after her. She helped take the youngest from me, testified (lied) in court about what a horrible, abusive in every way, mother I am, and flat out denied the incestuous, sexual relationship she had with her step father. She helped my then-teenage son to write a scathing untruthful affidavit about me–more of the same, how terribly abusive, when I was the ONLY parent looking out for these kids. And he knew that. Stockholm syndrome? Thats what at the therapist says.

      That’s been ten years ago now. The oldest is now a convicted felon. The middle seems to be okay, but he’s not. Nobody could do the things he has done and be okay. The youngest is finishing high school, blames me for everything that goes wrong in her life–I live 600 miles away, but it’s all my fault. Even if her father is having another alcoholic meltdown, screaming at her to “get your s**t out of MY house and dont ever come back.” And more–this man has a mouth like a serpent; nothing is too vile to say (scream), and he falls asleep at the dinner table every night. But they, he’s a great guy. Unless she wants something from me.

      ALL of my children have sweet talked me out of money–and I’m not the guy with the money–he is. I’m the one who dates men professionally (read between the lines, yes) to make enough money to support myself, because I have no one, not one single person who would ever help me, not one. The man destroyed my career so that I’d never be able to get away from him. Now? Look at this mess. And it’s real.

      This will make another holiday season being 100% shunned, excluded. I am a perfect example of what parental alienation does. This is the stuff that can cause someone to topple over and just do it–end their life.

      Shunning is one of the most painful experiences human being beings can have. It is perceived by the brain by the same receptors that perceive and communicate physical pain. This is for good reason: humans are social animals. To be all alone, to experience such isolation that you can’t remember when the last time was that you ate or even spoke–these are all signs of extreme distress in the brain. Isolation, shunning, social ostracism–all of these can lead to death, whether by suicide or other means. The brain sends out intense sensations of psychic pain for the same reason it does when you’ve stepped pn broken glass–this is a serious danger to your life. Isolation does terrible things to the human brain.

      The pain you feel is REAL. I know you’re not making it up. You say you’ve been planning your death for months. now. I believe you. I know all too well that feeling of your life not mattering at ALL. I believe you, and I know some of the unbearable pain that you live with every day. It’s real. You’re real.

      I’m also so very very tired of hearing the “I see you” and “You matter” canned comments about this topic. No, I don’t matter. If I were to die in my sleep tonight, nobody would notice until the stench became too much. Had I succumbed to covid–same thing. They would not have known or cared. (This is why I have no life insurance policy–for what? To make it like a sweepstakes when I die? Thats sick.)

      I am alive today for three reasons:

      1. I lack courage. I have a normal fear of death like all animals.

      2. I have a beautiful dog, and she has kept me alive for a few years now. I need to re home her before I do this. No, my family cannot have her, even though I am the one who brought all the dogs into our lives. They still don’t care about me, and I won’t take the chance that they’ll take out their hatred of their mother on this innocent dog. Plus, she’s just too sweet and too innocent to be subjected to the screaming violence in their home.

      3. I have to clear out my home so that whenever gets the job of clearing out that pathetic woman’s belongings will not have to deal with the detritus of a life that should have ended thirty years ago.

      I know what I have to do to make it happen. I’m chicken–for now. I will not live out a couple more decades being emotionally, mentally, verbally abused, shunned, gossiped about and doing my best to hide out from them. My career was destroyed by their father–and he loved doing that. I have no future, no family to take me in when I can no longer work. I have nothing. I am nothing but a collection of organs in a bag of flesh. My life is meaningful only for people who enjoy hurting me; other than that, I am completely worthless. And I did try, god, I tried so hard.

      It’s NOT selfish to end one’s life–especially when one’s “family’ treats them with such hatred. That’s one thing I will never have to be concerned about–“oh, but the children. you can’t do that to them.”

      Yes, I can. “Oh, but the children”–they will be glad when I am no longer on this earth. They will never have any of the feelings of grief I’ve seen here, none.

      One of these comments here mentioned that that someone whose mother died would not be around to help choose a wedding gown. I have not been allowed to my children’s high school graduations (and it won’t happen for the youngest, either). I wasn’t allowed to see recitals, ball games. Prom gowns? What are those? A wedding gown? I already saw what this horrid family did to one sister in law they also got rid of: ridiculed her, as though she had so much nerve, to show up for her own daughter’s wedding. Would I want to put myself through that? No. Who would?

      I feel very sad for the girl who is sad that her mother won”t be there for helping her plan her wedding or her dress. I truly do. To lose a parent one does love to suicide must be very, very painful, and I’m so sorry for their pain.

      These stories have made me feel their pain, but not a single one sounds like mine. My children are not interested in love. They exploit and reviled–and lie about–their own mother. I truly do not matter to them. That will not change.

      Missing from many conversations is that the person who attempted or completed suicide felt unbearable pain every day, and the cruelty with which they are treated, every day, by those who were supposed to love them. I cannot be guilted into staying alive “for the children.” Those “children” don’t love me, don’t like me, don’t want me in their lives–except for presents, money, dog (vet) problems, school suspensions that they don’t want to tell dad about it. I am a human garbage dump to these people.

      I will not live this out till the bitter end. What? To die all alone of some horrid disease, knowing that the gossip mill, the family mythology mill is still running? They will scapegoat me until and after the day I die. They don’t figure in my decision except that bringing them into this world was a major, life-ruinous decision I made–but I made those decisions out of love, out of hope, and that is why they are alive. If they only knew that.

      I understand your pain. I really do. If there is a way to contact each other, maybe we can give each other hope. Your post really stood out to me. I wish, I truly do, that your life has improved. I’m so sorry for your pain.

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  • Vanessa Temple

    Thank you for sharing your story. I lost my father and uncle to suicide back in 2014 – my uncle decided to take his life a mere ten days after my father did. My father was my best friend, and someone whom I consider to be a soulmate, in a father/daughter sense of course, and the grief I have experienced over his loss is something that no words can properly do justice to. In August, it will be four years since he skydived off the mortal coil, and, while things have gotten easier, and I’ve eased back into a stable and strong way of life, the aching I feel in my soul for him is as palpable and painful – like an exposed nerve ending – as it was the first time I heard the words, “I’m sorry, but your father has passed”. I look back on the woman I was before he died, and I’m amazed by the immense strides I’ve made since his death, as well as the strength I invoked from within myself to come this far, to this very moment where I’m typing this comment. It is a truly awesome thing to see who I was then, to look back on everything I’ve been through since and because of his death, and to know that I made it – I did it, I survived, thrived and eventually prevailed. I came from a place where each night saw me cradling my head in my hands as I cried out in the dark, to anyone who may be listening, and sobbing so hard that I would shake uncontrollably as the tears and mucus ran down my face, to this day, where, while I still find myself overcome by grief at random moments, I now enjoy a gentle peace, created from a calm acceptance of what happened and a fierce, eternal love for my father that was once an overwhelming rage at his voluntary excising from this world. Having been in the same place as he was on that terrible morning many times, I fully accept that he wanted his misery to end, and, while I wish he had stuck it out, I understand why he did it. However, ironically enough, I haven’t once thought of hurting myself since he died, because now I know what special brand of misery that behavior puts my loved ones through. So, in the end, there’s that at least. =)

    I still find that most people are uncomfortable with the topic of suicide, let alone knowing that my dad died by his own hand. I have no problem speaking the truth of what happened, because it’s stigmas against mental illness and taboos about topics like suicide, that resulted in my dad suffering in silence, and ultimately taking his life. We need to discuss these things. We need to let it be known that it’s okay to have open conversations about mental illness and suicide, because this is the first step in helping people to understand that they don’t have to hide, and that there’s help out there. We need to speak our truths. We need to be open about what’s happened to us, if only to let others know that they can come to us – I’ve found that people who need help seek me out precisely because I am so open, and there’s nothing better than knowing that speaking my truth encouraged someone to seek help. So, in conclusion, let’s make our voices heard in the hopes that we can help save a life.

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    • You Matter

      In reply to Vanessa,
      Hi Vanessa, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us. We are sorry to hear about the loss of your father and your uncle. We know that at times you may need someone to talk to, please call the Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). We are here 24/7

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  • Lorrie

    I am so sorry for all the pain of all the survivors-of-suicide who have written here. I sure wish that parents wouldn’t commit suicide, or take pills and alcohol to numb themselves out, or have their own demons. But sadly they do. My mother committed suicide 40 years ago this November, by shooting herself. She was my best friend and I loved her so. Still do. I have become an old lady now, and have seen a lot in life and had a lot of friends over the years. I’ve never met anyone who made me feel as loved and as believed in as she did. Anyway, suffice it to say, she was special to me, very special. We had a deep, deep bond. But as time goes on I have to ask myself, was our bond really that deep if she could have killed herself in a violent death to get away from her life (and me)? I don’t have the answers. I know she had her demons, which caused her to become an addict to pills and alcohol, and act crazy at times. I know she was severely depressed. But in those days, there weren’t anti-depressant medicines, really. Anyway, I know she was not really “herself” toward the end. She just wanted the pain to go away — the pain inside of her that even she did not really understand herself.

    Support system: I did not have a good support system after it happened, since I was just 20 and in college, and my father had remarried and was quite busy. If one of your parents has committed suicide, I would suggest forcing yourself to go to a 12-step group such as ACA or CODA, if you don’t have a good support system. You probably need it much more than you even suspect.

    Friend: I was lucky to have one good friend who allowed me to talk about it once in a while with her. It’s only through the passage of time, and understanding how weird people are about the subject of suicide, that I can see how valuable this friend was to me. She is still one of my best friends, to this day. Please try to find such a friend, and thank God for them every day if you have such a one. But do be careful not to overwhelm them.

    Therapy: Therapy helped me and I was fortunate to have the availability of therapy off-and-on as time went on, and the processing of the suicide continued. Please try to get some therapy, especially cognitive therapy if you can find it. Don’t let yourself be taken down mentally and emotionally by this situation that you face. Don’t blame yourself for the suicide, no matter how often you go down that road of “what if’s.” It is unfair to you, and it is not reality. The reality is that your parent had an illness, and whatever help he/she got, it was not enough. It was not your fault, no matter how much he/she leaned on you and depended on you while they were alive. Going through this event is bound to create a tendency toward some distortions in thinking, none of which will help you. Get a good therapist.

    Faith: Unfortunately, I was in a New Age church when it happened, which did nothing to help me AT ALL. I don’t recommend them, but I stayed in mine far too long. Now I am Catholic, and am very happy in my faith, which has given me a good support system and a good spiritual platform to stand on. I use and recommend the Rosary prayer to get closer to God. I use and recommend offering up your suffering (of having lost your parent in this horrific way) to God. Offer it up to God for whatever cause you find good — be it peace on earth, saving the whales, saving the starving children, etc. Your offering up of your suffering can really do good for this world. And I recommend the practice of getting close to Jesus when you feel alone and sad. Remember His suffering on the cross, and know that He loves you and cares for you in your suffering too. When you feel blue, stay close to Jesus and get a sleep or two. Remember, you will feel better after a sleep.

    I still miss my Mom. I have been through a lot in 40 years but I can truly say that her suicide was the thing which impacted me the most. However, I know that God loves me and that she really did love me, even though it seemed anything but that just before the end. Please keep keeping on. Please do. The world, which is so skewed through greed, pride and ego-comparisons, needs you, who have felt the true wound of the heart. You have a gift of love that the world desperately needs.

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    • You Matter

      Lorrie, Thank you for reaching out to our community and sharing your story with us at the Lifeline. Don’t hesitate to call us if you need extra support at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

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  • Lauren

    I’m a mom. I know I never knew what love felt like until I had my daughter. I thought I would never be depressed again after she was born. 5 years later and I’m back to thinking about killing myself everyday. I’ve had 4 attempts in this year alone. I’ve been depressed my whole life with small periods of happiness here and there. I love her so much. I don’t want to be a burden to her. I don’t want her growing up seeing me constantly crying or sad or angry or anxious or any of the ways my depression manifests itself. I don’t want her memories to be of a melancholic mother who couldn’t get it together. I don’t want her to ever think she wasn’t enough or that her love wasn’t enough for me to overcome this. I don’t want my misery to be a memory for her. I want her life to be filled with happiness and fulfillment, not my selfish mental health issues. I feel like she would be better off without me.
    My earliest memory for myself is sadness and depression. People have always said it will get better. I have a hard time believing this deep despair will ever leave. I believed it when I was 14 and 18. But 36 is a little old to keep believing in fairytales…
    I just don’t know if I can leave her. She’s the only thing that keeps me hanging on but that’s not fair to her. I know she can’t save me. No one can. Someone said that they doubt they were their parent’s last thought before suicide. She’s always mine. On every attempt. I’m so sorry, I love you so much, you’ll be better off without me, she’ll understand typically go through my head and nothing and no one else. Just her.

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    • Vibrant Communications

      Hello Lauren,

      Please know that no matter what you are struggling with an no matter how hard it is, your daughter loves you and always will. I hear that you are having a really difficult time coping. If you need a little extra emotional support, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK. The call is free and confidential, and crisis workers are there 24/7 to assist you. The Lifeline is there for everyone.

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  • Kara

    It’s been a month now since I lost my mom..she went missing on 11/29 she was supposed to be going to a doctors appt but never came home. She left her purse and phone at home. My siblings and I searched for her day and night for a week. We finally found her around 1am 12/6 in her car next to a lake nearby our house..she had made a lethal incision to her throat..She had been struggling with depression and chronic pain for more than a decade, and recently trying to get off opioids, which very obviously worsened her mental state. I’ll never forgive myself for not doing more, I knew she was struggling. We should have sent her to a rehab or something, anything. I miss her so much. I don’t understand how she could have thought this is what’s best for us. I’m mad at her for abandoning us but at the same time I understand her want to not be in pain..I’m so confused and hurt. She didn’t even leave us a note..

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    • Vibrant Communications

      Kara, we are so very sorry for your loss. Please know that there is always someone you can talk to at the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 800-273-8255. Counselors there are available anytime of the day or night. You do not have to struggle alone. We care about you.

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  • S

    I’m here crying my eyes out going through my own battles as a mom and decided to look up and see how my kids would feel if I decided to take my own life…. and after reading all of these I realize it would not be fair for them.. and I have to fight.. fight these demons for my kids, you guys saved my boys… It has been so hard as a single mom to a 7 year old and 5 month old idk if this is postpartum or what.. but I’m so depressed…

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    • Vibrant Communications

      Hello,We’re so sorry for all the struggles you are going through and we want to help. If life ever feels like it’s not worth living, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK. The call is free and confidential, and crisis workers are there 24/7 to assist you.

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  • S

    I’m here crying my eyes out going through my own battles as a mom and decided to look up and see how my kids would feel if I decided to take my own life…. and after reading all of these I realize it would not be fair for them.. and I have to fight.. fight these demons for my kids, you guys saved my boys… It has been so hard as a single mom to a 7 year old and 5 month old idk if this is postpartum or what.. but I’m so depressed…

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  • Vibrant Communications

    Nicole Savage, Thank you for being supportive to others.

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  • Alan

    My mother committed suicide yesterday. She hung herself and I discovered the body at her house. There was no indication to me that this could happen. Now the more I think about it I realise there may have been signs I overlooked. She had suffered from shingles for a few years together with sciatica and attended the pain clinic once a month. I did what I could for her but she was very independent and tried to manage most things herself. Recently she fell and cut her hand. This led to a series of hospital appointments for a change of dressing but when she was told she had a slight infection she was put on a course of antibiotics. These made her stomach ache and she couldn’t keep food down. I visited her the day before and made her a hot honey drink and told her she must try to eat. I suggested she have some banana and maybe porridge. When I phoned later that day she told me she had eaten a whole banana and finished off some tinned fish. I was very surprised as she only ate half a banana at a time normally and had eaten very little recently.
    On the morning she took her own life she had another hospital appointment to attend. I phoned her to make sure she was up and asked if she wanted a lift to which she answered no she was ok to walk the short distance. She also thanked me for looking after her which I thought was a bit odd. These were the last words she spoke. I now know she did not eat any banana as I had counted them before I left..
    I am writing this affected by the shock of it all has happened. I have read all the letters on this site and it’s apparent the emotions are raw and from the heart. Perhaps I can convince myself that it was her destiny and I was not at fault but right now I feely guilty as hell. I am an only child and live alone. My father died suddenly 12 years ago and that still affects me.
    I am sorry if I have gone into too much details surrounding my mothers death but I needed to write these words. I know it’s simplistic to say ‘don’t do it’ to anyone feeling so low but I can only imagine their pain must be similar to the one I am going to have to cope with now and for the foreseeable future.
    Reading the letters on here has help me pour out some grief and given me a better understanding of the situation. Thank you all.

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    • Vibrant Communications

      Hello Alan, It sounds like you have been through a lot and I am sorry to hear about the loss of your Parents. The Lifeline is here for you 24/7/365 at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), don’t hesitate to call us, your life matters to us and we want to help you through this.

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  • alan

    My mother committed suicide two days ago. She hung herself and I discovered the body at her house. There seemed now indication this would happen but now it has I can see there may have been warning signs that I overlooked. She had suffered from shingles for years and attended the pain clinic once a month. I did what I could for her but she was very independent and manage most things herself. Recently she fell and cut her hand. After a series of bandage changes there was an element of infection present so she was put on a ten day course of antibiotics. They made her stomach ache and she couldn’t keep food down. I visited her the day before and made her a hot honey drink and suggested she try some slices of banana and some a very small portion of porridge. When I phoned later she told me she had eaten a whole banana and finished off some tinned fish. I was very surprised at this as she only ate half a banana at a time normally. It later transpired that she hadn’t eaten any banana that day.
    On the morning she took her life she had another hospital appointment to attend. I rang her to get her up and asked if she was ok getting to the hospital to which she replied yes as she liked to walk the short distance. She also thanked me for looking after her which did seem a bit odd at the time.
    Those were her last words and she was probably preparing to die soon after. I am broken at the thought of her suffering and my knowledge that I could have done a lot more to help her.
    I am still deeply affected by shock and reading all the letters on this site has realised the raw emotions involved. I am an only child and live alone. I am still affected by my dads sudden death nearly twelve years ago. The letters on here have helped my understanding of it all and I am hoping time will do it’s best to help me get over it. Thank you all.

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    • Vibrant Communications

      Hello Alan, I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your parents. If you’re struggling with these tough emotions, please call us at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). The Lifeline is here for you or anyone struggling through hard times – 24/7/365. Feel free to pass along our phone number.

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  • Sarah

    I was 3 years old when my mother committed suicide, i am now 31 and have lived my entire life without a single memory of her yet i miss her so terribly. I have one picture of she and I together and she isn’t even looking at the camera, my entire life she has been a myth to me, i have questioned if she was ever real. She was 30 when she died and this year i outlived the woman who gave me life and i have struggled with that as i no longer even have photos of what i might become, there is no frame of reference no means of comparison from this point on… from this point on she never existed, thats hard to process. This evening i stumbled across some old videos on a local hometown tv website, i found 2 that were old softball games from when my father ( who abandoned me after mom died) and uncles played in a local adult league… it was amusing and sentimental as one of my uncles in the video has since died so it was emotional seeing him playing softball… but I wasn’t prepared for the last two innings… where you can plainly see my mother holding me at 2 years old and my older sister close by her side, you can see her playing with us and smiling and talking… I instantly fell to the floor and began sobbing, i have never seen her alive i have known her only as a fantasy but there she was alive and real and i am struggling so intensely with the emotional impact of this and don’t even know how to begin processing these emotions…

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    • Vibrant Communications

      Sarah, thank you for sharing your story, and we are sorry for the loss of your mother. If you want to talk, please contact us by calling the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK(8255) we are here 24/7 We care.

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    • SAD

      Sarah, My heart, I’m struggling currently as a single mom.. wanting to completely disappear.. my whole life I have struggled with suicidal thoughts, but in the past 15 days it has got worst.. I truly don’t want to be here I feel like my kids (who are 8 and 1) would be better off without me… I’m a complete disappointment to everyone around me, why wouldn’t I be to them.. I have never been enough.. I came on here to see if taking my life choice will affect my sons, and reading all the stories I really broke down with yours.. I really pray I get out of this feeling.. it’s not fair for my sons..

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      • Vibrant Communications

        Sad, if you are struggling with some tough emotions or feeling lonely, don’t hesitate to call the Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). We are here to listen! .

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  • Jessie

    My mother chose to leave this world 18 days ago. She was the light in the center of every room. She was a warm presence. She was the funniest person I’ve ever met. And she made you laugh in her darkest hours. I feel so lost. I feel so alone despite so many people reaching out and wanting to console me. I just want to be left alone. Every hug and every conversation that ends with “I’ll be there if you need me” reminds me over and over she’s gone. I wish I could have done something or said something. The Friday before she killed herself, she called early in the morning to cancel our dinner plans. I told her no problem, I’d call her back after my coffee and I didn’t. That was the last conversation I had and I blew her off. She was dead days later. I don’t know how I’ll ever forgive myself. No one can understand why I feel this way after I spent so much time caring for her when she was unstable. But none of that can make up for me not returning this call and losing the chance at one more conversation. No one understands why I don’t want to talk to to then but I feel everyones pity pushing me down like a huge weight on my chest. I wish I knew what to do, how to process this pain. I’m truly sorry that any of you have had to feel what I’m feeling and I’m hoping your coping better than me. Sending love and light.

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    • Vibrant Communications

      Hello Jessie, I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. It is a difficult experience to go through and it sounds like you are having a really hard time coping. If you need a little extra emotional support, please call the Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) and our crisis counselors should be able to direct you to local support services in your area. Our website also offers supportive information as well as links to additional organizations which may be useful during this time, https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/help-yourself/loss-survivors/.

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  • Hems M

    I can’t imagine the pain my son would feel at being abandoned by me as well as his father. Only thing that keeps me grounded and trudging on, no matter how much my resources and will is eclipsed by pain. I don’t think those who commit suicide are weaker; I think they have just arrived at the conclusion that others would be better off without them. And sometimes it’s because we hear how wrong, unfair, unacceptable, or even ugly we are so often that we let those mean words define our lack of purpose in life. The world is a cruel place, people shoot words like sharp bullets, and others, like the daughter in this narrative, have to stomach the grief that comes from others’ apathy. How that poor woman must have felt hanging herself, I cannot even imagine. I have been close to it, and it’s pain beyond measure just being that near. How the daughter felt at having her whole identity and basis jerked out from under her, I cannot fathom. Thank you for sharing your experience, and for still wanting to console others or help them. That’s not something I come across often anymore; it seems people only want to help so far as they get something out of it.

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    • Vibrant Communications

      Hello Hems, Thank you for reaching out to our community here and sharing your story. If you need someone to talk to, remember that the Lifeline is here for you any time day or night, every day of the year at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Your life matters!

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  • Christine

    I was born 1958 im 62 at time of writing. I was just 13 when my mum took her own life with an overdose. She’d been mentally unwell at a time and spent some time in a psychiatric hospital. It was 1971 and drugs seemed harsh then, she came home at weekends and didnt seem to be able to mange to engage in anything, she was too drugged up for hugs or any kind of mother daughter interaction.
    At 13 you need your Mum but she couldn’t be there in an emotional way. I lost my dad at 15 but I didn’t have any emotions left to properly accept it, let alone grieve. Luckily I had a sister 16 years older who hadn’t left home to marry like my other siblings. My care fell to her. She had my dad for 2 years and her own sonti take care of also..
    School was so hard for me and I came away with a poor basic education.
    Suicide does effect you and its never truly gone away for me. I had two years of counselling fromn 2000 when my ex husband left.
    I’d had a bad time mentally when my daughter was 13 in 1997. But didn’t put any significence on it or understand it for what it was. I was angry and unreasonable towards my ex but didnt know why. So he left me after 3 crappy years.
    Ever since the divorce I’ve struggled with relationships. And only kept jobs for a few months at a time. I’ve felt like a failure most of my life. Not blaming my Mum but it can’t have helped.

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  • Sakshi

    Hi, this is the first time Im writing about this, so I’m a bit nervous to put this out there but since so many are sharing their stories it’s encouraged me to share mine too.

    I was 13 when my mother took her own life by jumping out of our house which was located on the 12th floor of the building. I was a friend’s house a few floors below when I heard it. It was the loudest ‘thud’ I’d ever heard in my life. When we went downstairs to see what had happened (as my help came running down to my friend’s house crying), I saw it, saw the blood, saw the body parts.

    She’d been in and out of counselling, shock therapy for years before she took this drastic step. Until recently , I thought that it was something that I could live with, (I’m 28 now) I would talk to my friends and family about her sometimes, about how she did it (never with such details) , why she did it and why it was probably the best form of relief for her.

    Though, I’ve come to realise losing a parent like that is something you never really get over . It stays with you and you carry a whole different range of positive and negative emotions towards it (and your parent). I have been having a hard time lately as I only now am beginning to understand the effects of that day on my adult life. Though I’d like to be adult enough and think that I am solely responsible for actions, emotions and shortcomings. It’s become more apparent the we carry deep rooted insecurities that stem from the incident. It’s scares me that with each passing day her memories become more vague but that day is as vivid as ever.

    Since it’s something I’m going to have to live with I only hope that one day I can think and remember the good memories over the bad ones. It really does help to live a happy and healthy life when you have loving people around you like my dad and my even more loving aunt (my mother’s real sister, who took me in because I couldn’t live with my father after he remarried – navigating your teenage years with that kind of baggage can be challenging) but the older you grow the more you realise you have to be hopeful and look at the positives over the negative.

    Cheers xx

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  • Renae

    I recently bought my husband a house…I wanted to do something for him to let him know I love him. We’ve been married 22 years. Both of our daughters left in October, 22 and 19. I was constantly ignored by my girls. They never respected me or gave me the time of day. They were just constantly in their phones. They loved their devices more than they’ve ever loved me. I never even got flowers or a card on Mother’s Day, not once. Apparently because I wanted them to put down their phones and pay attention to life outside the screen, get up before 1pm, do their own laundry, and start taking personal responsibility for their lives so I could handle my own responsibilities I am a toxic and emotionally abusive mother. When my husband and I hit hard times about 5 years ago all we could afford was a two bedroom apartment. We gave the master to our oldest with her own bathroom, the other room to our youngest and we slept on the floor in the living room for two years while rebuilding our lives. I wore second hand clothes and torn up shoes so they could have new phones and clothes while in school. My youngest went thru 3 iphones in one year, one mishap after another. When my mother was in the hospital with pancreatitis I flew from Cali to Texas and ran my Etsy shop out of the waiting room so I could be there for my mom but also support my family in Cali, my husband was out of work…laid off. Nothing I have ever done is good enough. Kids are conditioned thru school and social media to believe anything other being a doormat is abusive and toxic. If your children are rude or lie to you and you call it out and put your foot down and tell them its not acceptable you’re labeled as a toxic parent. They left after I caught my oldest in a lie about money and my youngest in a lie about where she was for two nights straight without coming home to take care of her 2 mos old kitten she brought home without asking first (and also for who I ended up paying unexpected vet bills for). I was called a narcissist and abnormal. I did everything I possibly could for them at my own detriment. So here I am now…I bought their father a home to fall apart in. I just can’t deal with it anymore, I wasn’t expecting to be shunned and abandoned after dedicating myself to them their whole lives. They were good girls before Snapchat, TikTok, and Instagram took over their lives. Changed them fundamentally… I did what I could to keep them grounded but it didn’t matter.
    Can’t be here anymore, its a terrible place.

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  • doanld ault

    i just found my mother hanging in the backyard. i had just moved in with her cuz i moved from California and was trying to get back on my feet. Anyways she just texted me that she loved me and my brother and sister who are both young, i tried calling her and telling her not to do anything dumb and to get home but i guess she was already in the backyard. the next morning i tried calling her and i could hear a phone ringing. i follow it, get outside and go around the house and thats when i saw her. i basically lost it. Im just trying to deal with it still and all i can see is her like that in my head. im so lost cuz me and her were close and i could always turn to her. I just never thought this would happen. but i know its gonna be hard and there isnt no magic pill or remedy to take away my pain.

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  • A g

    My mother also committed suicide from jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge. I was 15 at the time it happened. She struggled with mental health issues and ptsd problems from her childhood. I knew she was going through a lot but I didn’t expect her to commit. What hurt the most was she also lived her life motherless and it effected her a lot. I don’t get why she would do the same to my brother and I. Its been two years since and I still cant wrap my head around the fact that she is truly gone and I will never be able to see her again. I still hear her voice sometimes or think that she is heading towards my bedroom door as I hear footsteps, but in reality its just my dad or brother. I can barley look at the golden gate bridge as it just reminds me everyday of what happened. I just never expected it.

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  • Sarah

    Hi Jamauri, I am sorry you didn’t get any reply to your comment. That sounds hard. I hope you ended up asking for hugs and found other ways to feel slightly better.

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  • checkup

    I am a mother and I have severe mental illness. I am considering suicide because I read all about “survivors” of a mentally ill mother and how damaged they are. Which i s worse

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  • tawm

    Six months ago I discovered my mother dead in her garage from hanging herself. I have hardly eaten anything. I went from 145 pounds down to 120. I’m destroyed.

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  • Charistina Armbruster

    My mother, mama, shot herself almost 4 weeks ago. She had suffered severe depression all her life and even more so in the pat few years, since the passing of my stepfather, my grandparents, my brothers step son, and several other deaths. My cousin had hung himself before I was born, and my other cousin shot his father several times then himself a few years back. So needless to say suicide runs in our family. However, I’ve never felt such a profound loss in my life than the morning I found out she has taken her life. We had been fighting for about 2 years mostly b/c my youngest brother lived with her and was abusing her by taking all her money and neglecting her. We had filed an elder abuse claim a month ago yesterday but they denied us any help. I’m torn apart with guilt. She left no note for us as her children. Not a word. She has been fixing up her new home and then she shot herself. She didn’t even know how to use a gun, she googled it. It’s been almost a month and my brother who lived with her has still never called us to tell us. We found out through a text he sent his ex wife. I’m utterly heartbroken. I cannot explain the extreme pain I feel. My heart feels like it’s missing, food has no taste, I laugh but inside I feel guilty when I do b/c she’s no longer with us. The night she supposedly passed I left work feeling sick to my stomach, I drove home thinking of her and wanting to call her. But I thought no, I’m not ready to fight, I’m not ready to feel uncomfortable…I’ll just text her.. The next night I texted her phone, I love you mama, knowing she was already gone. She arrived cremated remains yesterday to my home. A bag of ash split 3 ways between my brothers and myself is all I have left off her. I held the bag in my hands briefly then put her back in a sealed box. I had to tell my daughters she died and don’t lie to my children, so I explained she killed herself. I wish I hadn’t b/c the pain I see in my oldest seems so unfair. I don’t feel like I’ll ever be happy again. Like this will last forever. Someday I’ll be older, maybe sick and sad and need her….but now she’s forever gone. If feel selfish, guilty, exhausted all the time. I dress up for work and okie through what needs to be done, thinking about her the entire time. I need answers. Answers to questions no one needs to know. I need to know was she sitting, standing, what was left of her head, was she dressed, undressed, did she smoke her last cigarette before doing it, did we as her children pass through her mind when the light when through her head?!?!?! It’s sick, it’s maddening, it’s making me crazy. I feel extreme anxiety and a sickness in the pit of my stomach. I had just told my doctor a few days before this happens while at my physical that I was at 44, finally happier than I’d ever been in my life. And now, empty, alone, missing her, wondering if what religion says about those who take their life is real. I imagine her as a beautiful woman she was and then immediately as a monster screaming in an afterlife she cannot reach. I feel so many things, and yet nothing at all.

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    • Vibrant Communications

      Charistina Armbruster, we are so sorry for the recent loss of your mother. It sounds like you are feeling overwhelmed and numb at the same time as you are dealing with the grief. If you ever need to talk to someone please don’t hesitate to give us a call at 988. If you are not in the US please reach out to https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp where you can find help in your native country.

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  • YG

    My son calls me a piece of shit all the time. I’ve been sitting thinking about suicide all night with the apparatus to end it nearby. I think I’ll overcome it. I’m not sure I want to overcome it. But there’s a rational part of my mind that knows I should just chill and it’ll pass. So maybe if I just hang onto that it will. It’s so hard sometimes and no one knows that I struggle like this. I don’t want to tell anyone because then people look at you different. Reading these comments helped. Even if kids fight with their parents they really love them deep down and maybe my son loves me too. Thanks for providing this place.

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    • Vibrant Communications

      YG, it sounds like you are going through a tough time. Please know that you can reach out to us by dialing 988 if you ever want to talk. Parenting is not easy but it sounds like you are a very caring individual. Please know that we are here 24/7.

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