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Seven years ago, I sat at the top of the stairs, my knees pulled into my chest, wanting nothing more than to cry but being unable to. I was too tired to cry. I was too tired to lie to my mom when she asked if I had made myself throw up after dinner. I was too tired to stop the connections I saw forming in her brain as she added up all the “stomach aches,” missed dinners, obsessive running, “I already ate”-s, and declining grades.

Seven years ago, I was too tired for anything. With the last ounce of strength I thought I had, I told my mom I didn’t want to do it anymore. I did the closest thing I could manage to ask for help, and at that time, asking meant not denying.

For months I went through hell to heal. Prozac; talk therapy; the humiliation as I sat in front of my guidance counselor as my mom explained my eating disorder; the frustration of being monitored all the time; the peer positive image group in school — day by day, piece by piece, I was made to face my Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. It was a label that I hated because it made me feel as if, even in mental illness, I had fallen short. Day by day, and piece by piece, my parents, my therapist, my doctors, my friends, and my family worked to let the girl they used to know — the girl I used to know — resurface. But for months, I remained without change.

Finally, my therapist, Tonya, asked me, “Do you want to live?”

Did I want to live? What the hell did that mean? Of course I wanted to live. I just wanted to live skinny. Beautiful. In control. What was so wrong about that?

“She’s jealous,” I decided. “She’s jealous because she’s not as skinny. She wants me to stop so she can win. I’m not going to die. I’m seventeen. Seventeen-year-olds don’t just die.”

But that question stuck with me. It stuck with me as I packed lunch in the morning, knowing I would just throw it away. It stuck with me as I forced myself to still go running, despite a bad upper respiratory infection. It stuck with me as I spent hours searching for weight loss tips and diet plans instead of resting or getting homework done. And it stuck with me as I watched my parents watch me with worry, wanting to say something but forcing themselves to be quiet.

Did I really want to live?

Months after Tonya had asked, I walked into my therapy session and said, “I do. I do want to live. Help me.”

I thought that getting to the point where I accepted help would be the hardest part of recovery. It wasn’t. Recovery itself was a thousand times harder. It was like trying to start a fire on a windy day with wet matches: every time there was a spark, I had to fight like hell to keep it from being blown out. And even then, sometimes it would get blown out anyway. I would backslide, sometimes one or two steps, sometimes 50. Every day I reminded myself that I wanted to live, no matter how hard it was. I wanted to be able to go on a date and eat. I wanted to enjoy my mom’s cooking again. I wanted to eat my grandma’s tamales at Christmastime and not be worried about the fact that every tamale recipe is different and there was no surefire way of knowing how many calories were in each one.

I clawed my way back to recovery over months. And finally, Tonya looked at me and said, “I think that this might be our last appointment. What do you think?”

Every siren in my head went off. “I thought you wanted me to live! Why are you giving up on me?”

“I’m not giving up on you. You’re ready for this. You’re ready to not give up on you. And most importantly, you want to live. So go live. And if you need me, I am here.”

I thought that realizing I wanted to live and learning how to manage my eating disorder was the whole of the battle. Now I’m learning how to manage that disorder and grow in my independence at the same time. When I was in therapy, I never failed alone. Now, though I can reach for help, in the end I am solely responsible for my recovery, for my life, and for my story.

When I was in therapy, my parents helped me monitor what and when I ate. Now I have to monitor myself. When I miss a meal I have to ask myself, “Why did you skip lunch? Were you just too busy? Not hungry? Or are you backsliding?” When I was in therapy, Tonya helped me regulate my responses to daily stress in a positive outlet. Now I have to find my voice at work, in relationships, in life, and be able to say, “I am feeling overwhelmed, tired, stressed, sad, frustrated and I need a minute to process.” Now I remind myself that I am human, prone to error, and I have to forgive myself.

Now I remind myself that part of my role as a survivor is education of others.

What I have learned in the past seven years is:

  • I am responsible for my peer situations and I have to advocate for myself.
  • It’s okay to choose recovery over friends, work, relationships and other instances. If I have been upfront and honest, and those situations are still jeopardizing my recovery, there is nothing wrong with walking away. In fact, there’s everything right with it.
  • I am only as sick as my secrets. I give my eating disorder power when I hide it. I have to be willing to tell the necessary people that I have an eating disorder and ask for their support when I need it.
  • Ask for help. If I’m starting to struggle, or I know a particularly stressful situation is approaching, I’ll reach out to my friends and ask them to help me help myself. Whether it’s a text reminder at mealtimes, an invitation at mealtimes or just a check-in, it helps me stay on track.
  • Relapses happen. When they do, I try not to get so caught up on feeling bad about it. Instead, I ivest that energy on working through it and continuing to commit to my healthiest, happiest self.
  • Keep fighting for recovery. It is an everyday commitment, even after treatment ends.

Comments

101
  • Kira

    Kira Kira

    Reply Author

    Thank you for this. The second bullet about recovery being the most important thing really opened my eyes. I am 18, and graduating high school this week. I have done nothing but stress about school and starting college and I’ve let my mental health fly back out the window. I can even look at myself anymore and I need a break but Im too afraid to ask for one. What will happen with school? Will they rescind my offer and my scholarships? I have needed to prioritize my health for a long time now and I keep putting it to the back burner. Im confused and I don’t know what to do.

    Posted on

    • MiCHELLE

      Kira, I noticed that no-one has responded to your comment yet so I thought I would. I hope that’s ok. Please reach out to someone you trust and voice your feelings. You must take care of yourself. Please stop going through your life with a mask that doesn’t allow other people to see your struggles. You are not alone. There are people who can help. It is important for you to make sure you are healthy physically and mentally. Take care of yourself because the stress will only get worse if your don’t learn to balance things and take care of yourself too. I wish I could give you a big hug. (Not trying to be creepy.) I speak from experience. My daughter almost died when she was your age. She is now doing great but she needed to find out how to be healthy. You can do the same. You are worth it!

      Posted on

      • You Matter

        Michelle: Thanks so much for caring and encouraging Kira as well as sharing your story. We are glad you are able to connect and support each other also we encourage you to call the Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) for support!

        Posted on

    • You Matter

      Kira: We are so sorry that you are going thru this. You don’t have to feel alone. The Lifeline is here for you any time day or night at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Don’t hesitate to call us. Your life matters

      Posted on

    • Jon

      Jon Jon

      Reply Author

      My parents think I’m lieing but I’m not one more day in my life and I’ll be gone

      Posted on

      • You Matter

        Jon: No matter what you are going through suicide is not the answer. Please give us a call at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), your life matters!!!!.
        We are here 24/7/ for support

        Posted on

      • kayla

        kayla kayla

        Reply Author

        mine do to my adoptive mom thinks that im stealing which i am but its not that big of a deal like i borrowed my sisters fitbit with out asking. she just doesnt understand that she might not have me anymore. i do want to end it tonight but at the same time i dint cause i have something to live for i can feel it but i dont know what.

        Posted on

        • You Matter

          Hi Kayla, if you need someone to talk to right now, remember that the Lifeline is here for you any time day or night, every day of the year at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Please give us a call. We also have an online chat service if you prefer, please use the private link below to chat with a Lifeline counselor. We want to help you.
          http://chat.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx

          Posted on

      • Dani

        Dani Dani

        Reply Author

        Jon I hope your doing ok.

        Posted on

      • You Matter

        Jon, We hope you are doing well. Please remember that the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (800-273-8255) is available 24/7 if you need someone to talk to.

        Posted on

      • Robert

        Robert Robert

        Reply Author

        Me too they just dont care

        Posted on

      • Kenneth

        Kenneth Kenneth

        Reply Author

        Jon, you better not do it man. Im only 14 and i attemped twice. Please man if your feeling down, jjust give me a call or text, i want to make sure your safe dude. I don’t know you but i love you

        323-714-5239

        Posted on

        • Vibrant Communications

          Kenneth, We are glad that you are here and we thank you so much for encouraging and supporting our community. And, if you ever need to talk to someone yourself, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline @ 800-273-8225. There will be someone available to talk to you anytime of the day or night.

          Posted on

  • Brian

    Brian Brian

    Reply Author

    This means a lot… Really had a lot to think about, but still…

    Posted on

    • RaChel

      RaChel RaChel

      Reply Author

      Brian, how are you doing?

      Posted on

  • Isis

    Isis Isis

    Reply Author

    Thank you for sharing your story. Stories like the ones you shared really make me think that I can make it and that I can actually get help. Thank you again!

    Posted on

  • sydney

    sydney sydney

    Reply Author

    Thanks for being strong and getting through it and for sharing your powerful story!<3

    Posted on

  • austin

    austin austin

    Reply Author

    i want to kill myself but i dont want to

    Posted on

    • Noelle

      Noelle Noelle

      Reply Author

      Austin: I am so sorry that you are struggling. I encourage you to contact the Lifeline at T 1-800-273-TALK (8255). You are not alone.

      Posted on

    • Kenneth

      Kenneth Kenneth

      Reply Author

      Jon, you better not do it man. Im only 14 and i attemped twice. Please man if your feeling down, jjust give me a call or text, i want to make sure your safe dude. I don’t know you but i love you

      323-714-5239

      Posted on

  • Karen

    Karen Karen

    Reply Author

    Austin, I hope you are ok. Please reach out to someone to talk.

    Noelle, thank you for sharing your story. It’s been over a year now. How are you doing? Are you happy? I’m asking because I’m trying to understand what my daughter is going through. She is 14. No eating disorder but stressed about school. She has ADD so that doesn’t help.
    Anyhow, I’m glad you are better.

    Posted on

    • Noelle

      Noelle Noelle

      Reply Author

      Karen,

      I am doing well. Happiness ebbs and flows. I am proud of everything that I have accomplished but with those accomplishments comes stress and with stress becomes the desire to relapse. I wish i could help you understand what your daughter is going through, but all of us feel stress differently. The way I cope with my stress is by channeling it into something productive. I run when i feel stressed and focus on the sound of my feet on the pavement, the blood rushing in my ears. I write and put down the worries i have into a list, and then work through what I can do to solve it or let it go. I swear by a weighted blanket…it’s helped me sleep and a good night of sleep helps me start the morning clear headed and without stress.
      The most important thing I can tell you is love your daughter. Make sure she knows that. Understand her stress, even if you don’t understand why she’s stressed. Ask her what would help.
      I hope that helps a bit. And thank you. Living a life in recovery when the world can be a stressful place, but is so worth it. We all deserve to experience life fully and truly, without being limited by stress.
      I
      Hope your daughter learns how to manage her stress.

      Posted on

      • You Matter

        Noelle, thank you for participating in our community, sharing your story, and supporting others here.

        Posted on

      • ruth

        ruth ruth

        Reply Author

        life sucks

        Posted on

        • Vibrant Communications

          Ruth, If you are struggling, please call one of our counselors at the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline @ 800-273-8255. They are available for you 24/7.

          Posted on

    • You Matter

      Karen, thank you for participating in our community and supporting others. If you ever need extra emotional support yourself don’t hesitate to call The Lifeline. Our crisis counselors are here for you any time day or night, every day of the year at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

      Posted on

    • maya

      maya maya

      Reply Author

      I can relate to your daughter on such a personal level. I’m 14 as well and have ADD. I am now a freshman in high school and stressing about school.

      Posted on

      • Vibrant Communications

        Posted on

      • jess

        jess jess

        Reply Author

        i’m 11 and currently hate life

        Posted on

        • Vibrant Communications

          Thank you for reaching out. I am sorry to hear you are feeling upset. If you need to talk about what you are going through please don’t hesitate to call The Lifeline for support at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). We are here for you 24/7/365. We care.

          Posted on

        • Kari

          Kari Kari

          Reply Author

          Jess God loves you and has an incredible plan for your life. Life can be hard but also can be so wonderful. Hang in there. Know that you are loved and that you matter. Talk to your parents, a help line but never never give up as you still have so much to live for and you are very much needed.

          Posted on

        • jose

          jose jose

          Reply Author

          I keep getting in trouble, and I think that my parents don’t love me. I just want to end my life already.

          Posted on

          • Vibrant Communications

            Jose,
            No matter how hard things are- hurting yourself is never the answer. The Lifeline is here for you any time day or night at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Don’t hesitate to call us for extra support. Your life matters!

            Posted on

  • Karen

    Karen Karen

    Reply Author

    Thank you, Noelle, for the insight. My daughters stress relief is being on her phone but that’s the problem too. I’ll try and use some of your other ideas. Writing down in a journal may help.

    Thx again. Glad you are doing ok.

    Posted on

  • damien

    damien damien

    Reply Author

    My parents think that I alwase lie to them when I’m not one more hour and ill be In a better place

    Posted on

    • You Matter

      Damien: You life matters!, please call us at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), we are here 24/7 for you no matter what is it that you are going through.

      Posted on

    • Naomi

      Naomi Naomi

      Reply Author

      WOW why do you treat yourself like this . If anything, I should be in your shoes.

      Posted on

  • why am I alive

    i dont deserve to live

    Posted on

    • You Matter

      why am I alive: No matter what problems you are struggling with, hurting yourself isn’t the answer. Your life matters! In order to talk to a Crisis Counselor, please call the Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). The call is free and confidential; we’re here for you 24/7/365. You deserve to live and be happy!!

      Posted on

    • Jackson Hubbard

      Yes you do

      Posted on

      • Vibrant Communications

        Jackson Hubbard, thank you for participating in our community and supporting others.

        Posted on

  • NOTSAYING

    Im always depressed, i have anxiety, insecurities, and i just want to die but i dont.. i want to live a future but just hoping to be happy, and everytime i try to open up to my parents they laugh at me and think its a joke. one day i cut myself and told my mom and she said she was gonna whoop me… i needed help and no one is there for me except maybe 2 friends others get sad then try to change the subject… but those 2 try to help but its not enough, im not doing self harm anymore but im still struggling.

    Posted on

    • Amy

      Amy Amy

      Reply Author

      Hey NOTSAYING, I’m sorry you’re not finding the support you need from your parents. I wonder if your mom was so scared that you’d cut yourself and it came out as anger? I know as a mom I would be so afraid but sometimes as parents we don’t know what to do for our kids when they’re hurting. I hope you’ll trust the people at Lifeline and call them. You absolutely deserve to be heard, loved and understood. I feel the pain in your struggles and wish you the very best.

      Posted on

      • You Matter

        Thank you Amy for sharing and encouraging others at the Youmatter Blog.

        Posted on

    • Carrie

      Carrie Carrie

      Reply Author

      Hey, I feel the exact same way. I thought I was the only one. I’m recovering from 80 days of torturous suicidal thoughts that made me unable to function, and I had a small relapse today. But your life is ALWAYS worth fighting for. Don’t give up, and even though I don’t know you, I’m proud of your strength.

      Posted on

      • You Matter

        Carrie, thank you for sharing your story with us. If you know anyone that may need more support in their lives, we are here at the Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK-8255.

        Posted on

    • Evelyn Juarez

      If you read this, I just wanted to know how you are doing. I am 19 and I’m always worried everyday about my future. I came here to read stories of others and it kind of helps to think I’m not the only one dealing with frustration and sadness every damm day. I hope we can both get through this.

      Posted on

      • You Matter

        It’s good that you are reaching out and talking about your feelings. You are not alone, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is here for you 24/7 800-273-TALK (8255)

        Posted on

      • someone who isn’t worth caring about

        same thing here

        Posted on

        • Vibrant Communications

          If you need someone to talk to please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline @ 800-273-8255. There is someone to talk to you 24/7

          Posted on

  • Robert

    Robert Robert

    Reply Author

    I truly don’t want to die, but sometimes it appears as if though it is the best option. My problems are often underestimated due to my age. To put it into simpler words, I’m dealing with alot on my plate, my house has burned down, my father reccently got incarcerated, I’m dealing with stress with school. It is truly great to hear that other people are also going through the same issues. Thank you Noelle for sharing your story.

    Posted on

    • You Matter

      At times life may seem meaningless, but we want to help you find hope. The Lifeline’s crisis counselors are here for you any time day or night. Please call 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Your life matters!

      Posted on

  • Tina

    Tina Tina

    Reply Author

    This was a nice story… I just want to be happy. I want to stop feeling like I can’t do anything. I want to be perfect. How can you do that when everything you care about is stripped away, and when your own family isn’t supportive?

    Posted on

    • You Matter

      Tina-If you are struggling with some tough emotions or feeling lonely, don’t hesitate to call the Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). We are here to listen!

      Posted on

    • Emily

      Emily Emily

      Reply Author

      I feel the same way…

      Posted on

      • Vibrant Communications

        Emily, Please know that there are counselors available to talk to you 24/7 at the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (800-273-8255). Please don’t ever feel alone.

        Posted on

  • Brendan

    Brendan Brendan

    Reply Author

    I have recently felt depressed and every time I sit in my room and cry as I think about killing myself. I never want to do that. My parents even come up to me and ask me whats wrong and I say nothing even though there is. Help…Plz

    Posted on

    • You Matter

      Brendan, It sounds like you are really struggling. Please know that you are not alone. You can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) and speak to someone immediately 24/7. There is also the Lifeline Crisis Chat program available 24/7, if you are more comfortable chatting. However, chat queues may be long so if you are in crisis, I suggest calling the Lifeline.

      Posted on

  • CJ

    CJ CJ

    Reply Author

    I’m a Mom who just learned her male college student is having thoughts of suicide. How do I get them to get help? He doesn’t want to talk………any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thank you

    Posted on

    • You Matter

      CJ- We are concerned for your son as well. Please encourage them to call the Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). The call is free and confidential, and crisis workers are there 24/7 to assist. To learn more about the Lifeline, visit our website: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org.

      Posted on

  • rena

    rena rena

    Reply Author

    I often feel really depressed but I do not know if I clinically have depression, sometimes I get so depressed I think about what might happen IF I die, I mean I go to therapy on Mondays but I’m just so scared to tell people. My mom thinks I might have moderate anxiety which I can agree with but I just want some support. one time at church camp (yee im religious) I wanted prayer so one of my really close friends offered to pray for me so I said “hey lately I’ve had really low self-esteem and I feel like I’m worthless sometimes ;/” she said she would pray for me but would also tell her mom.. I started getting really scared but she said she would hide my name. I want to be able to share things like this with people but I don’t know how.. I’m really insecure about a lot of things and I’m scared of being judged for it. Ever since my parents divorced (they divorced when I was in either 3rd or 4th grade, I am almost done with 7th grade right now) I have just been getting slightly sadder and sadder throughout the years. I’m 13 years old and I feel scared and alone please reply to this comment I don’t know what life is anymore.

    Posted on

    • You Matter

      Rena, we’re so sorry for all the struggles you are going through with the divorce and the sadness and we want to help. If life ever feels like it’s not worth living, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK. The call is free and confidential, and crisis workers are there 24/7 to assist you.

      Posted on

  • abby

    abby abby

    Reply Author

    recently so much has happened and i don”t think i can take it anymore. my entire family found out about me self harming while i was asleep (months ago). they checked my arms, and because my parents and older sister are social workers, instead of trying to help me, they threatened to send me to a mental institution or a group home. . .
    a couple months back to school, my mother told my counselor to take me away from my zero period, band, and all of my honors classes that i’ve had since elementary school. instead of trying to help me, they took away everything i worked hard for. they tell me to not end up like my older sister, so now all of the weight is on me.
    but at home, it’s such a bad place to be. all of my sisters call me names, including my parents. “bitch, slut, hoe, worthless piece of trash, ugly, fat, annoying, pathetic”, etc.. they know i’m in pain, but they make it worse. i’m trying so hard, but i’m terrified. i feel like no one is here for me, and i know there are hotlines and counselors, but i get so embarrassed about talking about my actual problems. i feel weak. and i’m at that point where i just don’t want this anymore. there are moments when i am smiling and singing my favorite songs at the top of my lungs, and that whole world just crumbles with whatever they say or do. i’m tired of it all.
    i’m sorry.

    Posted on

    • You Matter

      Abby, we’re so sorry for all the struggles you are going through with your family and how they’ve chosen to address the discovery of self harming, but hurting yourself is never the answer. We want to help. If life ever feels like it’s not worth living, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK. The call is free and confidential, and crisis workers are there 24/7 to assist you. We hope to hear from you shortly.

      Posted on

      • abby garcia

        i’ve read almost everyone’s reply, everyone’s stories, and i constantly see “hurting yourself is never the answer.”
        i hate saying this, but i did it recently. and i’m scared. i don’t know what to do anymore. i feel awful, and i don’t fully trust anyone to talk to about this.
        i can’t sleep (i don’t want to be alone).
        i can’t eat (i always hate myself for just feeding my own body.)
        i can’t do simple things like work out or practice playing my instrument (i feel as if it’s not important anymore. nothing matters.it’s been months).

        i’m sorry.

        Posted on

        • You Matter

          abby garcia,
          There’s no need to apologize, we say hurting oneself is never the answer because it doesn’t help one in the long run to feel better, we want you to find healing and we’re sorry for all the struggles you are going through. We want to help and we invite you to please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK. The call is free and confidential, and crisis workers are there 24/7 to assist you. We hope to hear from you soon.

          Posted on

  • Kyra Warren

    When I was a young girl, my grandma inspired me to the point where I felt I wanted to be an actress. When I lost my grandma, I felt so completely alone, I shut out acting, and everyone from my first year of high school. Before I ended that year, I made a plan that I wanted to go to school online, and go get a job. Move away from my parents. Now that I am starting my junior year, I am explaining this to my mom and she doesn’t even believe me. I feel hopeless, because she used to be my best friend, and I used to be able to tell her these things without her hating me a little inside when I mention this. Please help me someone, i have no one else to talk to.

    Posted on

    • You Matter

      Kyra Warren, we’re sorry to hear of the struggles you are going through with your family and we want to help. If you need someone to talk to, remember that the Lifeline is here for you any time day or night, every day of the year at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Your life matters!

      Posted on

  • abby

    abby abby

    Reply Author

    i did it again……..
    i feel like such an idiot.
    i don’t want to talk, i just feel weak.
    my friend’s dad past away yesterday and i’ve been crying ever since and everything feels worse. i need everything to stop..
    what do i do..?

    Posted on

  • Robert

    Robert Robert

    Reply Author

    I dont like living now i live. My parents don’t care and realese anger on me (not abuse) they always yell at me and say they love me but don’t. My friends think i gay my family thinks I’m gay but im not. They grounded me for a year to my room for not reading a book and ever listen.my brother is and annoying jerk who does watever he wants and does not get grounded and annoys me all the time.Hes in seventh grade and cant spell words like honda,diesil,december,macaroni,and tons more. I asked him 1*1.5 he said 4. He makes me want to die.Im weak and scrawny (but eat more than avarage peoples) Oh yea and i always bump into things and accidentally hurt myself and broke my arm from falling and putting my hands out.

    Posted on

    • Vibrant Communications

      Robert, It sounds like you are struggling. Please know that the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available 24/7 if you need someone to talk to.

      Posted on

  • Stephen

    Stephen Stephen

    Reply Author

    i just want to know if theres a way to do it painlessly.

    Posted on

    • Vibrant Communications

      Stephan, We are so sorry that you are struggling. Please do not hesitate to reach out the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline @800-273-8255. We are here for you 24/7.

      Posted on

  • aleciana

    Feeling drained emotionally hurt .pain anger mad all the time of the day the moment when I go back to it I was actually a happy girl when I was about 13 im 16 now.i started feeling severly toxic when we moved too Minnesota for 2 years.with a shiity boyfriend of my moms and we recently came too Florida im strugglin all over again.what do I do too be gappy again?. Not suicide.

    Posted on

    • Vibrant Communications

      I am sorry to hear that your are going through a lot. Please do not hesitate to call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255) Please know that we do care and are here to help.

      Posted on

  • Meghan

    Meghan Meghan

    Reply Author

    I am 16 and going into 11th grade. I took a test to finish of a course that I did not take in because of medical problems, and I failed that test and to make matters worse I am being forced to retake that course with a 10th graders. I want to kill myself because I do not want to be in the same class as 10th graders.

    Posted on

    • Vibrant Communications

      Meghan, we’re so sorry for all the struggles you are going through and we want to help. If life ever feels like it’s not worth living, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK. The call is free and confidential, and crisis workers are there 24/7 to assist you. We hope to hear from you shortly.

      Posted on

      • Meghan

        Meghan Meghan

        Reply Author

        I don’t want to because it will hurt my brother, but my mother tells me that I am 16 yet I have the brain of a 2 year old. She keeps comparing me to my brother who is 4 years younger than me. She tells me she is depressed because of my failures. I know she loves me, but sometimes I feel she would not care if I killed myself. I have so many medical issues that I am bullied non-stop. I am being sexually harvested by this one boy who I have told him to leave me alone, but he will not listen (this has been happening for a year). I just don’t think I can do anything right, and I was a mistake and I shouldn’t be here in this world

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        • Vibrant Communications

          Meghan, again, we are sorry that you are going through so much. Sometimes certain situations are hard to handle, but hurting yourself is never the answer. The Lifeline is here for you any time day or night at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Please don’t hesitate to call us for extra support. Your life matters! We care.

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  • Morgan

    Morgan Morgan

    Reply Author

    I have told someone about my depression before but it just made me even more depressed. They tried to take me away from the family that, at the time, I loved more than anything… I want to ask for help but I don’t want to have to go through even more. I don’t want to have to be pushed even further, no matter what it means for me, because I know what will happen if I get even the slightest push to be happy again. I can’t go through that hell again…

    Posted on

    • Vibrant Communications

      Morgan, I’m sorry to hear that you had that experience and of all the struggles with depression you’re going through and we want to help. Please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK. The call is free and confidential, and crisis workers are there 24/7 to assist you.

      Posted on

  • No Name

    No Name No Name

    Reply Author

    I have told someone about my depression before but it just made me even more depressed. They tried to take me away from the family that, at the time, I loved more than anything… I want to ask for help but I don’t want to have to go through even more. I don’t want to have to be pushed even further, no matter what it means for me, because I know what will happen if I get even the slightest push to be happy again. I can’t go through that hell again…

    Posted on

  • LiZzie

    LiZzie LiZzie

    Reply Author

    I haven’t felt truly happy since maybe 3rd grade or before. I am in 12th grade now. There was one girl in 6th grade that basically bullied everyone. I felt like I was her main target though. I’m adopted and my family has moved 6 times since I was adopted. I have two younger sisters and two older sisters both of which are adults. My oldest sister (most likely has a mental illness) yelled at me when I was trying to tell her how I feel about her treating mom. I have practically grown up with no friends all my life. Both my younger sister seem to take any friends I do have away from me. Most people think that they are doing the normal younger siblings being annoying thing, but it feels like they have gone too far and no one it feels like can see that. No one seems to pay attention to me. I have been talking with one person who I trust(the only person in my life right now that’s caring). I can’t call because I don’t want my parents to find out yet and I get way too nervous when talking on the phone. I have been writing poems on how I have been feeling (Starting at the end of June). I keep questioning myself. I might take my poems to the doctors office the next time I go (which might not be for a while though)

    I’ve thought about running away, self harm, death, starving myself. I also have a hard time wanting to get out of bed in the morning. I randomly wake up at 3-4 am and have been for almost a week now.

    I’m probably forgetting something….. but that’s it for now.

    Posted on

    • Vibrant Communications

      Lizzie, We are sorry that you are struggling. Please know that you are NOT alone. You can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline @ 800-273-8255 and speak to someone that really cares anytime of the day or night. We are here for you.

      Posted on

  • Paula

    Paula Paula

    Reply Author

    Dear Lizzie, I’m just a senior (the old kind, not the kind in high school). I have listened to lots of students talk about their lives in my little office. Write back, if you wish, Paula

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  • AnnIe

    AnnIe AnnIe

    Reply Author

    Here is this one kid at my school who will not stop bothering me and he has touched me inappropriately. I have only told my best friend whom I trust with my life. He says tell someone but the way that boy who touched me has treated me he touched near the sex area and I feel this is my fault but my best friend says it’s not and I feel that what he has been doing is so bad that to get away from this I should just die. This is so humiliating I cannot even tell my parents

    Posted on

    • Vibrant Communications

      AnnIe, we’re so sorry for all the struggles you are going through with this boy and we want to help. If life ever feels like it’s not worth living, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK. No matter how hard things are- hurting yourself is never the answer. The Lifeline is here for you any time day or night at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Don’t hesitate to call us for extra support. Your life matters!

      Posted on

      • Annle

        Annle Annle

        Reply Author

        I’m done with life. That kid almost raped me I ran. I felt so violated I can’t even tell my best friend I am so humiliated, that I do not know what life is anymore. Life is not a word in my vocabulary right now. I am afraid that kid will actually rape me and I will not be able to fight back. I am actually done. My grades are falling and I am getting in so much trouble I am not sure if me almost being raped is the reason.

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  • nicole

    nicole nicole

    Reply Author

    my life is too much. I just wanna quit

    Posted on

    • Vibrant Communications

      Nicole,
      We’re so sorry for all the struggles you are going through and we want to help. If life ever feels like it’s not worth living, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK. The call is free and confidential, and crisis workers are there 24/7 to assist you.

      Posted on

  • Miles

    Miles Miles

    Reply Author

    i feel so lonely and just sad for absolutely no reason. im suppose to be out and having fun because that’s what “teens do”. i hate myself so much. im on edge right now and i don’t know what to do.. I try talking to people about it but they don’t care or just think im “faking” it when im not. one day i was actually about to attempt it i had pills next to me and i just kept overthinking and felt guilty about it that i was going to leave my sister, after all we both went through that i was going to leave her like this. everyday seems to be getting harder and i just want it all to end. i have no one. absolutely no one anymore.

    Posted on

    • Vibrant Communications

      Miles, you are not alone. You have us and we absolutely care about what happens to you. Please call the Lifeline (800-273-8255) there will be someone waiting to talk to you 24/7. Don’t struggle alone, we are here.

      Posted on

  • AlexSis

    AlexSis AlexSis

    Reply Author

    Done with life my grades are slipping I just took a physics test and only got 1 right. My parents are going to kill me and I am completely dead inside. I was a really good student and I am a junior in high school. My parents expect so much of me and I feel I never will be able to give them the happiness that my YOUNGER brother gives them. They seem to love him more just because a number is higher(score number) I am done done done done done. Been having suicidalr thoughts every since junior year started and the first grade went into the gradebook.

    Posted on

    • Vibrant Communications

      AlexSis, we’re so sorry for all the struggles you are going through with school and your family and we want to help. If life ever feels like it’s not worth living, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK. No matter how hard things are- hurting yourself is never the answer. The Lifeline is here for you any time day or night at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Don’t hesitate to call us for extra support. Your life matters!

      Posted on

    • Kari

      Kari Kari

      Reply Author

      Alexis I also never had the best grades in school. I am sorry your parents have not yet seen how amazing you are. God has created us all differently. I am successful even though my grades weren’t great. You have a skill set that only you have. Know that you are truly loved and are definitely needed. Talk to your parents let them know how you feel. Believe in yourself you Are Worth It!!!!!!!!

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  • Maya

    Maya Maya

    Reply Author

    Right now, as I sit in my chair, I’m crying because if I try to ask my mom for help, all she is going to do is tell me to stop being dramatic. I’m 14. I can’t just die at 14 when I have so much to live for. It just hurts. I feel like everything is crumbling around me. Ever since school has started, I have been having trouble turning in work. Lately, EVERY SINGLE WEEK I am having the same talk with my parents about my schoolwork. I am a freshman in high school. I keep telling them that I’m just trying to adapt to this new change in my life, but they say I keep giving the same excuse. I just want everything to end. I’m about to leave the high school I’m currently in because I’m not turning my work in like I need to. This high school is my DREAM HIGH SCHOOL! It specializes in theatre! I love it so much and now I have to leave. I would rather die before leaving that school.

    Posted on

    • Vibrant Communications

      Maya, please remember that you are never alone. The Lifeline (800-273-8255) has counselors available to talk to you 24/7. Don’t ever struggle alone.

      Posted on

  • Monisha

    Monisha Monisha

    Reply Author

    I am in my room sitting on the floor crying because my mom thinks i’m lying to he about homework almost everything in science is an F.I feel like killing my self I am 12 years old and I hate every second of my life.
    Mom:You never do anything for me
    Me:I fake a smile,hide my problems from yo to avoid you getting stressed,I cover my scars,I don’t talk to you so you don’t have to put up with me,and I pretend to be mentally stable.I GIVE UP!

    Posted on

    • Vibrant Communications

      Monisha, I am sorry to hear that you are feeling sad and upset. It sounds like your are going through tough moments. No matter what problems you are struggling with, hurting yourself isn’t the answer. Homework at times may become overwhelming and burdensome. Your life matters! Please call the Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) We are here 24/7 The call is free and confidential. We are here for you.

      Posted on