Emotions have by far always been one of the most difficult things for me to express. I’ve always had a hard time being comfortable with tears or even showing my happiness. Throughout my battle with depression, I often thought happiness and joy were for others, but not myself.
I thought happiness might be something I never feel. I didn’t think I was worthy of happiness, or joy, or anything positive. I can’t say I come by emotions easily to this day, but I am starting to express them more and more. But mainly the negatives. I have gotten much more comfortable with tears running down my face (though I still try to fight it), and I’m not afraid to say when I’m happy or excited about something.
But one thing I never thought would happen, is that I’d cry tears of joy just because of a pretty good day at work. I literally felt overwhelmed with happiness, love and support and couldn’t do anything other than cry. Basically, my bosses told me I’m a great employee and also a great person sort of out of the blue. It just made me feel so appreciated and welcomed.
If you had asked me two years ago if I cry often, I’d have said no. But after this last week, I think I’ve cried happy tears more times than I’ve cried sad tears in my entire life. Did I mention I bawled my eyes out at my friend’s wedding? Yeah…I was so overwhelmed with happiness and love for my friend getting married that I spent the majority of the evening crying. Yet again, I was crying happy tears.
“So what?” you might ask. Well, as someone who has been fighting depression for the majority of their life, emotions have been difficult to express, especially the positive ones! But you know what? Here I am, an emotional human being who cries tears of sadness and of happiness, who has rough days but also exceptional days, and who is still here to tell their story.
Always remember: today might be hard, but tomorrow will be easier.